Weirdness & misgivings.
Oct. 4th, 2001 02:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vianegativaWhy is it always that it takes a tragedy to get me to write?
Well, the page finally turned. He left us.
I don't know how to react. I think I'm in a bit of shock. I feel very clinical and detached, but I can feel emotions welling up in my chest like a dam about to burst. I haven't cried yet, but I've been on the verge of it three times now. I feel alternately angry, hurt, maudlin, and stunned. I feel sick. I feel like I should punch something, I feel like I should wail against the world.
What's worst of all, is I can understand his reasons, and I know he did what was right. That more than anything claws at me. How can I understand? How can I be reasonable about this? I have lost someone who will NEVER again love me or Mike the way he used, who will NEVER be a part of our lives in the same way.
We were a dalliance, a rebound. He lost interest or just doesn't care anymore. HOW CAN I FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT? I have lost a man I thought I would spend my days with, HOW CAN I UNDERSTAND?
Either way, I do. I feel so numb at this moment everything seems lost in a fog.
Part of me hopes we can try again when he comes to Chicago, but I know him. He'll never go back to us. I want so badly to hope, but my head won't let me.
And Mike. My poor bear. I've hurt him by entertaining this between the three of us. There is nothing more jagged than hearing him regret opening his heart, or watching him pull silently away from expressing his hurt. I don't know what to tell him, but I need to be there for him.
At the same time, I want to be alone. To deny everyone contact with me. To become steeled and cold and sharp, and to hurt those who try to approach me. Part of me wants to be hard, and unforgiving, the same part that is screaming in tha back of my brain that people ony want to be near me to use me, to take what they can, when they can.
I'm going to step away and recuperate a bit. I may write more; I may not.
J, I love you more than my breath or life. I hope you can be with us again, with me, but I know you won't. I'm sorry everything I am wasn't enough. I wish you well; I wish you happiness and wealth and in time, the person you will love most. I will never stop loving you with anything less than all my heart. You are burned into the night sky of my own private horizon.
If you only knew what could have been yours, ours...
I love you. Goodbye.
Well, the page finally turned. He left us.
I don't know how to react. I think I'm in a bit of shock. I feel very clinical and detached, but I can feel emotions welling up in my chest like a dam about to burst. I haven't cried yet, but I've been on the verge of it three times now. I feel alternately angry, hurt, maudlin, and stunned. I feel sick. I feel like I should punch something, I feel like I should wail against the world.
What's worst of all, is I can understand his reasons, and I know he did what was right. That more than anything claws at me. How can I understand? How can I be reasonable about this? I have lost someone who will NEVER again love me or Mike the way he used, who will NEVER be a part of our lives in the same way.
We were a dalliance, a rebound. He lost interest or just doesn't care anymore. HOW CAN I FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT? I have lost a man I thought I would spend my days with, HOW CAN I UNDERSTAND?
Either way, I do. I feel so numb at this moment everything seems lost in a fog.
Part of me hopes we can try again when he comes to Chicago, but I know him. He'll never go back to us. I want so badly to hope, but my head won't let me.
And Mike. My poor bear. I've hurt him by entertaining this between the three of us. There is nothing more jagged than hearing him regret opening his heart, or watching him pull silently away from expressing his hurt. I don't know what to tell him, but I need to be there for him.
At the same time, I want to be alone. To deny everyone contact with me. To become steeled and cold and sharp, and to hurt those who try to approach me. Part of me wants to be hard, and unforgiving, the same part that is screaming in tha back of my brain that people ony want to be near me to use me, to take what they can, when they can.
I'm going to step away and recuperate a bit. I may write more; I may not.
J, I love you more than my breath or life. I hope you can be with us again, with me, but I know you won't. I'm sorry everything I am wasn't enough. I wish you well; I wish you happiness and wealth and in time, the person you will love most. I will never stop loving you with anything less than all my heart. You are burned into the night sky of my own private horizon.
If you only knew what could have been yours, ours...
I love you. Goodbye.
