So sweet my mouth was seared...

I realized for the first time this weekend that I have been deeply, profoundly depressed since late 2008. I'm just now starting to shake it out; I feel like I've been in a dreaming haze. I've had more creative ideas in the past weekend and felt more contentment, happiness, and joy than I have in years. I finally feel hope. You cannot know how precious that is after such an absence of it.

I'm awakening from a very long period of being a ghost in my own life. I look forward to letting the ones I love get reacquainted with Matt From Before.

Travis SecondclassCitizen Gray, Debacle Bear, Chad Wilmer, Michael Pemberton, Adam Pelz, Jim Lloyd, Ben Niemi, Mark Bove, Bret Anthony Kall-- I love you all. Thank you for being there for me.

*grins* My new motto? "Live your life filled with joy and thunder."

The weekend was more sedate, much as I had hoped it would be. A few highlights:

• Furr at the Cell Block on Saturday was quite nice; aside from a dreadful commute back home due to construction on the Blue Line, I got to drink a bit and enjoy the company of friends & hear some decent music... occasional ear-rape from static feedback, aside. I actually got to talk with a few folks I've not had the chance to speak with in years and I got to see some people who were lit dance. Badly. All in all a fine night, aside from some stomach grumbles from leftovers from...

• Costa's, the Greek restaurant that I went to Friday night with Mike, Travis, Rory, Paulo (cyph0enix) and Brian (colsbearcub). We had a nice quiet dinner and despite being stuffed from some lovely nachos earlier in the evening, I enjoyed the meal and company. We retreated to my house for some cocktails afterwards and chatted. I didn't even spend the night playing...

• World of Warcraft, which I ground out quests on to get my Blood Elf Hunter Torius up to level 25 on Ysera. Apparently, it's hard getting the love of all the members of the Horde, but let me tell you Torius is HUGE in Undercity. Huge like a Blood Elf Hannah Montana. I'm sure there are posters of him on the crypts of all the little undead kiddies. I spent a large portion of the early evening wringing every blue magic item I could out of Shadowfang Keep, running it at least twice with orious in tow. Now, I've never HAD a toon higher than level 29 on any WoW server, so I'm gunning for level 80 with this one, just so I can prove I'm not a complete alt-a-holic.

• Sunday afternoon was spent with friends I had not seen in over 16 years, Matthew and his gaming buddies. Apparently they have a traditional yearly "gaming con" held at his house in New Lenox and this was the ninth year for it. I got to meet some of Matt's friends (a good portion of whom are ALSO named Matt... very confusing) and afterwards I got to see Matt's wife Tricia again and their lovely daughter, Ellie. Matt and Tricia haven't seemed to change a bit from my memories of them and they were both very warm & congenial.
  
  I will admit I almost didn't go, particularly since it seemed like my coming out at age 20 had been an issue for Matt and felt like it was a large part of the reason why I lost touch with my high school friends. Also, as nice as they are, Tricia seems very Catholic and I don't know quite how she'll react to her husband rekindling acquaintances with me. I won't even wonder how she'll take me having two partners. On one hand, Matt did contact me and was quite interested in having me drop by, even though my Facebook page clearly shows I'm gay. I don't know. I hope they won't be reactionary, but I do fear the worst.

• After seeing my old friends, Travis, Mike, Chad & I went to a great little Indian restaurant in Wheaton and ate ourselves silly. I must admit that I totally overindulged in the sweet lassi drinks and had to retreat to bed after since I was a totally bloated cubby. It was worth it though, mostly. :-)

That was my weekend in a nutshell. How the hell was yours?

My weekend report in a few broad strokes...

(yes I *know* it's Wednesday morning. I've been a very busy little cubby, traversing hither and yon, righting wrongs and being awesome. Shaddup.)

The weekend itself was very sedate as Meestor Bear, Meestor Pup and I relaxed on Friday and Saturday. Our dear friend Chad joined us Saturday evening for some amazingly meh Chinese food at a buffet we decided to try, then we skedaddled to Furr at the Cell Block roundabouts 11 pm for dinner, dancing and watching many of the hot messes we know stew in their own (alcoholic) juices. I was the designated driver for the night, so after a Jack & Coke or two I put away "Drinking Matt" in favor of "Dances Like A Spazz But Isn't Snookered, So Has No Excuse" Matt. I enjoyed most of the DJ set (and I am a simple soul there, so playing most anything poppy will get me moving) but the evening stood out for a few reasons:

Hot Mess #1: Hot Mess #1, we'll call him R, well he's a really cute Latino cubby. I was gabbing with friends when he came over, bold in his drunkeness, to hit on me and say hello. I introduced him around but when I uttered the phrase "and this is my partner, Travis", he bamfed out of there like the devil was on his heels.

I hate that, BTW. At least be ballsy enough to stay & talk for five minutes. It's only courteous. Plus, Travis is DAMN hot.

Well, as the evening wore on (and thin) cubby R came up to me AGAIN and introduced himself, giving me the EXACT same pickup line from before, asking my name. I was so thoroughly amused that he was so drunk that he had forgotten who I was that I played along for a bit and we danced. He was certainly cute, so I let him dance for a time, but then he started plying me with the absolute corniest lines I've heard in years. When he leaned in, breath on fire from Gin and whispered "you are my everything" I took it as a cue to get my wide white ass out of Dodge. I told him I needed a break from dancing and when I spied him again, he was passed out in a corner of the bar. Thankfully a friend of mine helped him into a cab.

While I found cubby R cute and very entertaining, I mock him only lightly since we've all been there at one point, past our limits with no sense of boundaries or good come-on lines. I actually hope I get to meet him when he's more sober. I'm sure he's not at all as sloppy minus the twenty gin & tonics and he WAS frakking adorable.

Hot Mess #2: So, towards the end of the night I was feeling good, danced out and ready to scoop up my very adorably drunk boyfriend and friends & escort them safely home. As I'm leaving, Hot Mess #2 walks by me & swats me on my ass, HARD. I'm sure in his very drunk world he meant it as a flirtation, but I was not fucking amused. I turned around to see Hot Mess #2, someone notorious for getting blasted and starting fights. Now, as I recall, HM2 was a bottom of epic proportions, a bottom so epically prolific that Homer wrote about him in the Odyssey.

So, I turned around & shot him my best look of feigned disdain, to which he immediately bleated, "Oh, you wanna fucking GO???? Come ON!!!"

I was kinda thrown. Here this guy was slapping my ass, hard no less, and when I'm playful he wants to get into a fistfight? Nice. Splendid. I thought about it. He's a short mofo and built, but I was not able to jump from "playful fun" to "bar brawl" mode. I feel a bit like I backed down but I just told him "I thought YOU hitting MY ass was cute."

To which he replied, "I thought fucking not."

Some people man, should not drink. If I was having a bad night or drunk myself, I might have ended up getting us both banned from Cell Block. I keep thinking I should have gotten mad & punched him, but I was having far too good a time. I just turned around & walked away and that does bug me somewhat. I've lost exactly two fights in my life & been in (not proudly) dozens and walking away felt like I gave this short stack of beer-drunk fury dominance.

Sometimes, adulthood sucks.

After that, we got home safely, slept in very late on Sunday & relaxed. Despite my two "encounters" I enjoyed Furr & will go back, hopefully to see both the fellows I bumped into a bit more sober & together.

Despite the fact that the week has left me battered, bruised and drained (and none of that in a FUN way, mind you) I have decided to count off some awesome things that happened to me this week!

• Game on Sunday was wonderful. Despite being tapped out from a very late night on Saturday, my Star Trek Game came together very well and best of all, the next episode was completely handed to me on a silver platter by the awesome role-playing of slackcub. I've been worried about letting players shape storyline, but I gleefully admit I was wrong. My gaming group is excellent.

• Reaper has returned to television. Why is this an awesome thing you ask? Tyler Labine, baby, Tyler Labine. I forgot how gorgeous that man is to my eyes... *hubba hubba*

• Watchmen releases today! Provided that Mr. Snyder doesn't completely fuck up the story, I get to see one of the cardinal stories of modern comic art come to life on the silver screen... in IMAX no less! I must say I was sure I'd never get to see Watchmen on the screen my lifetime. Did I mention in IMAX no less?

• Yesterday, while in line at Starbucks, the girl in front of me kind of cut me off to grab some Sweet & Low. When she saw she cut across me she smiled broadly, apologized and then started to strike up a converstion with me while in line. She actually stopped to talk to me for a few minutes AFTER we got coffee, going on about dieting craziness, the weather, coffee. It was after she left I realized that she may have been flirting with me... this threw me a second time because she was absolutely beautiful, like Gia DiLaurentis with a smaller mouth. Women NEVER flirt with me, yet here one was. *boggles*

• The weather. Yesterday was beautiful and I hope today is more of the same. More importantly, yesterday was the first day that actually felt like Spring wqas finally here... a cool breeze, bright sunshine and people out in droves. Spring, how I've missed you so!

• While the week has been rough on me for a variety of reasons, I get to spend tonight and a good portion of tomorrow with some very fun & hot folks, before settling in for snuggles with Meestor Bear & Meestor Pup this weekend. I think I'm going to take next week "off" as it were to relax, spend time with my guys and work on my Marketing class.

• I also wanted to say that I'm blessed to have the following people in my life: Meestor Bear Mike, wolfpackcub, the Rorymonster, our buddy Chad, the mad knitter known as Ben, traderbear, kubshadow, bigbadwoof, gryphonbear and all the guys in my gaming group: nytemarewulf, redbullbear1968, lthrbear, slackcub and orious!

Now: Off to conquer this bitch of a Friday!

To All My LJ Peeps:

I'm cleaning out my house a bit and have found (*shock*) that I have an excess of comic books and game books from my basement.

Rather than catalog these & put them into my collection, I just want to get rid of them. So, to wit:

If you'd like a free medium sized box or two of comic books to read or a few random RPG books, let me know.

It's a lot of Justice League, Generation X, marvel, DC and the like.

Otherwise a church or something will be getting them soon.

Let me know!

I am generally happier now than I was a year ago... and MUCH, MUCH happier than I was two years ago at this time.

This speaks volumes to me about the fact that the decisions I've been making over the past years were good ones, despite the abrupt pains caused by them initially. The relationships I'm in are better, the friendships I have are stronger and my general course in life seems to be one of positive growth.

It feels good to be "on track".

I absolutely cannot get the song "My Curse" by the Afghan Whigs out of my head... it was sung in breathy, pained tones by Marcy Mays of the band Scrawl. It's haunting, raw and beautiful.

"...And slave I only use
As a word to describe the special way I feel for you
You look like me
And I look like no one else"

The vocals by Marcy Mays are so honeyed and pained that I want to look up Scrawl & see what their other work is like.

For a time I've been churning over a thought in my head that would seem enraging and ludicrous to the Matt of a scant few months ago.

I forgive everyone.

I can't tell if this is a moment of weakness or emotional maturity, but I've decided to forgive anyone who's done me wrong. I have found I simply don't have the energy to fuel old angers like I once did and it is satisfying enough for me to know that the folks who've slighted me no longer have me in their reach.

I reached a point like this about 11 years ago with my father as his life drew to a close. My father and I never had anything less or more than an adversarial relationship based on spite, distrust and jealousy. For his part I was the no account youngster who had a world of opportunities to waste and to me he was a cantankerous, evil drunk for whom I'd never be good enough, regardless of grades, achievements, work ethic, etc. From the earliest times I can remember, my father was at my throat.

When I hear people regale me with stories on how their father didn't love them or on how truly difficult their homelife was I try not to laugh. I'm amazed at how "not being there" qualifies as some form of existential torture. I prayed for my father not to be there and when he was in the house it felt like the Boogeyman could strike out from all sides at any time. I wanted an absentee father, I wished for it.

My father did a whole host of things to me & my mother that defy sanity or explanation, things that I won't go into too much detail here. Suffice it to say, I would have taken "deadbeat dad" to "wakes you up with a gun in your face at 3 am dad" any day.

My home life was much like trench warfare in World War I-- keep your head down, try not to get sniped and if someone came into your trench, bare your bayonet & charge. As I grew older I stayed away from home as much as possible until I was practically a ghost in my own house. When my mother passed away I was in the arms of a boy I loved at the time... and after she died I was less than a memory to the walls of my own home.

My father passed in November of 1997 and six months before that he had a surgery, a desperate attempt to escape the ravages of 40 years of smoking, drinking and hard living. He had an "experimental surgery" which resulted in 70% of the mass of both his lungs being removed. He was bedridden and in need of care and I found myself in the ironic role of caregiver to my own father.

As time wore on he became weaker and it was obvious that the surgery wasn't even a stopgap, but rather another burden to him, only bringing the end quicker than he'd first thought. As he slowly came to realize this, especially in the last month or so, my father suddenly stopped debasing me. For the first time in decades we talked without anger or accusation. We talked without pretense or agenda and for a few months I had something I'd never known until then: a loving father. It took death to make us both shake free the years of malice, but in the end I realized that every action he ever undertook, every venomous remark, everything was him fuming over his own life and not mine. All that anger was fueled by a sense of being cheated by life only to have another person come along with the one thing he couldn't stand to see: possibilities.

My father was not a great man, but neither was he a monster. He was hurt by life and in his anger he took it out on those around him. In the end, he was simply human. When I saw that and stopped demonizing him it became far easier to let go of all the anger between us.

So I have decided that carrying resentment for what's been done to me is pointless. I have two men I love, good friends and a quiet if not generally happy life purring away up here near Chicago way. Spending all that energy to feel anger about the past does nothing but tie me deeper to habits and reactions that will bleed precious time and attention from me. My guys need me, my friends need me here today, not looking backwards plotting the downfall of some schlub who screwed me over because of his own personal demons. As long as I'm not subject to further harm from their actions, I will move on & try not to look back in anger.

I'm not perfect by any means and by turns this will be a work in progress. I do think, however, it's much better striving to let go of the past than to relish hating those who are a part of it. Or something to that effect.

If you are NOT worried by the Lehman Brothers filing for Chapter 11 debt protection...

If you are NOT worried by the Merrill Lynch being bought out by Bank of America on the cheap, creating the world's largest financial services company, whose credit rating was IMMEDIATELY downgraded...

If you are NOT worried that crude oil is trading below $100 per barrel and it's still not enough to overcome the bearish sentiment in the markets...

Then you must be voting for McCain.

As well as being galactically stupid.

Bank failure is NOT the sign of a recovering economy and this is only the beginning, I think. I expect Washington Mutual to post very bad news shortly as well.

Un-frakking believable.

I would recap the weekend, however my mind seems to be closing down quickly; I suppose this is the "mental exhaustion" that gets bandied about by rock stars and divas with such wild abandon.

I'm morose, for no reason. Time for bed I think...