Unfriendly/Friendly

[vianegativa]

So, in a regular reversal of my chaotic inner policy, I decided that I shall now unfriend people that remove me as their friend.

I know it may seem a bit childish, but after a few weeks of considering where I put my resources, I decided that I have no desire to invest time in anybody who can't be bothered to even have me scroll by on an internet browser for two seconds. Personally, I at least look over the journal of everyone on my friends list, just to check in and make sure my peeps are ok and hopefully happy. It's not a lot to ask, in the scheme of things: just a one- to three- second spark of interest in lives outside my own, and I'm happy to do it. This site has introduced me to so many wonderful souls that I can take that moment for those who do the same for me.

I know that the name "friends list" is an elusive misnomer and I know that the internet, and this site in particular, can lead to a false feeling of intimacy that feels spat upon when someone decides to stop reading your journal. Further, no one who reads my journal owes me a moment more of attention than they want to give. I understand that & I'm fine with it.

For myself, however, the people I've met through this journal are a bit more than ghosts looking across the internet at me. I feel (deservedly or not), that the people who take the time to read my inner thoughts and rantings, especially those that bother to interact with me, deserve a bit more than to be treated like a Nielsen rating of LJ popularity. I'll give the time to keep up with the lives of friends met here because of the interest they take in me. Maybe it's old-fashioned, or antiquated, but I feel it's deserved.

However, my resources aren't infinite. I have an amazing amount of wonderful people in my life that deserve as much attention as I can lavish upon them, and to continue pouring myself into disinterested or distant folks (both on this site and in real life) does my friends and loved ones, both digital and flesh, a great disservice. I have so many people to be thankful for and my time should be spent letting them know I'm there. So, unless you're an incredibly intriguing person, if you decide to leave my journal I'm going to tip my hat to you & wish you well. If you actually want to hear the clamor between my ears, then I'm here to listen to yours, and hopefully something more than clever remarks left in a journal will come of it.

Yes, I know this is incredibly sentimental & a bit naive, but it's my outlook on things.

See you around...

Comments

[soul-spider.livejournal.com]

The way I look at it is... if I am going to grant people a little glimpse into my life, if they aren't going to reciperocate, I will shut them out.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Agreed, I mean it's such a tiny fraction of personal investment to check in on others occasionally.

[baeritone.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad that someone else feels this way.

I hope you continue to consider me worthy of whatever time you spare for LJ. :)

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Worthy of my time?

Shit man, I ain't all that. You certainly reply to me often; I hope *I'm* worthy of yours.

[baeritone.livejournal.com]

You surely are; your viewpoints force me to look at my own in a new light. That, itself, is worth plenty. :)

[phoenixcub.livejournal.com]

I agree with you. I recently starting doing the same thing. I used to leave them on there and still read theirs, but if they don't care about me, why should I? I think the whole unfriending thing is kind of silly. If you don't have time to read everything, then skip over it. If I did something to offend, then tell me. But I was obviously interesting enough at one point to add me to the list, so what happened all of a sudded to take me off. It's very silly.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Exactly. What real resources do you dedicate to someone by leaving them on your friend's list? I mean, it requires more effort to unfriend someone than to leave them there or skim their entries.

[phoenixcub.livejournal.com]

Bastards, all of them! :-P

BTW, what is that little walking creature in your avatar? It looks like something I would fight in a Mega Man game. :-)

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

It's a Modron, from D & D.

[backrubbear.livejournal.com]

After I've gone through the effort to friend someone (usually after reading their journal for a few weeks), I usually unfriend them because they're mean people or just outright depress me.

I'd rather live with the drama of unfriending someone than actually having to read some of that stuff. I actually use my friends list to read things.

[benpanced.livejournal.com]

For myself, however, the people I've met through this journal are a bit more than ghosts looking across the internet at me.

all those eyes...I can feel them...looking at me...staring...

When I'd first started on LJ, I freaked the first two or three times somebody had removed me from their friends list. I went through the usual break-up mode: was it me? Did I say something wrong? What did I do?

Then I remembered LJ is just the internet and I can put as much reality into as I want. It took me a while to understand the "friend" in "friends list" doesn't have as much creedence as I put into it in real life.

Maybe they should just change it to "groupie".

[arshermetica.livejournal.com]

Thats why all my posts are friendslocked and only people I either actually know or are trusted and recommended by people I know are on my list.

[bigredpaul.livejournal.com]

I honestly don't care if people friend me or not. If I like the way a person writes, or they are a good photographer, or just have interesting things to say, I'll put them on my list. If they return the "friending," great, but if not, also great. Since I'm never going to meet most of the people on my list, it's ok.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

I try not to, but if I feel someone is malicious and simply looking to make brutal sport of my journal they'll only see my public posts, which I'll challege them on. After a few pointeless volleys of stupidity I'll usually ask someone to stop reading my journal. Whether they actually do or not is their choice.

[shdwpoet.livejournal.com]

Depends on what you mean that. I have to assume you mean that you don't like the person because they don't always post lavish praises and support on your journal. If that's what you're looking for, perhaps a dislaimer of some sort?

Personally, I'd take Via's route. Anyone who wants can post on my journal. If the entry is beyond my ability to handle, I'll delete it. If not, I'll leave it. If nothing else it sparks debate and controversy.

Take your dream journals, for example. I'd love to read some of your other posts, but those tend to annoy me. That's my problem, not yours. But I didn't want to de-friend you just because those long narratives were cluttering up my friends page.

Catch-22 there...

[dakoopst.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you''ve pretty much summed up the approach I take.

[cachorro34.livejournal.com]

I like it all. I enjoy my friends and read as much as I can. I have a great respect for everyone on LJ. But I just don't like it when cat fights get started on here! LOL

[davomatic.livejournal.com]

I agree with both the cutie at the top and you (referred to in this response as the other cutie). I always roll my eyes when people claim that LJ is a place where they keep their true journal. I mean really, true journals are read after someone dies (or get peeked at).

This is a very social place, and like you I've made some amazing friends here. If someones not interested in my life, why should I be interested in theirs? It's like following someone around at a party who doesn't want to talk to you. ; )

Hello, Friend!

[bear-eagle.livejournal.com]

As someone who met you as a direct result of LJ posts, I must say that keeping up with you and yours has been great fun at times and disturbing at others. I remember back in New Orleans when you came to visit and also when you came out here for a quick Yule feast both fondly (especially since I wanted to rape one of your companions on the last trip..muhuhahaha).

I look forward to your ramblings since you seem to want to continue to read mine.

[wuffnuff.livejournal.com]

I should probably do the same. It has been a long while since I cleaned my list out. People come and go and that is to be expected at times. I happen to like what is between your ears. Yeah, ears. Ahem. *G* Really though, I enjoy your intellect.

[garebear.livejournal.com]

I've though about doing the same thing... but I haven't even unfriended those who have deleted their journal.

And I do appreciate that you're willing to share your life... you're a fascinating man.

[jediknightcub.livejournal.com]

I always appreciate your posts even if I don't reply. So this time I'll definitely take the time to reply and tell you that I totally agree with you on this.

Even though it would create a "class" system on LJ, I almost wish they'd have a "subscribers" and a "friends" option. At least then if someone "unsubscribed" from your journal, it wouldn't feel so personal. It seems odd that a mere semantic change would have such a different effect, but I think the word 'friend' is taken very seriously by a lot of people (including me and, I would say without a doubt, you as well). To frivolously use that term to describe people who basically read or scroll past your journal entries is essentially emotional dishonesty.

I have a bunch of people I "friended" because I thought they were hot and it turned out they didn't have that much going on upstairs or we disagreed so fundamentally that there was just no way I could be bothered to scroll past their posts without feeling the need to read them, dissect them, and comment on them. There have been people I've "friended" with whom I've had initially stimulating correspondence but who eventually grow tiresome. And I've "friended" people who have either never responded to my posts, never "friended" me back, or who have been completely silent (or in one particular case completely dismissive) when I provided a heartfelt response to one of their "my life is an open book and this shit hurts" posts.

Just last week, someone's post irritated me because it was a list of all the things that make a "bad journal". It wasn't the typical "no memes" stuff, but rather very specific things such as posting article links, noting celebrity deaths, etc. which I do and have no intention of stopping. I was all ready to start a flame war with a flamethrower duct-taped to my keyboard Ripley-style when I realised this person had never "friended" me back. He wasn't talking about me. Hell, he had never even bothered to read my posts. Guess, I'm a bit overly sensitive, but ultimately the experience made me reflect on the relative merits of the "friends" list and the relative ease with which I should be able to friend/unfriend someone if the only thing that connects me to them is a link on my LJ User Info page.

Maybe it's because I chatted with you and met you in person before I "friended" you on LJ, but you (and several other LJ-ers whom I've met in person or knew prior to the LJ Experience) are obviously more than just "subscribers". Now, if you guys "unfriended" me, then I'd feel hurt. But if that were the case, I'd bother to ask why because there's more at stake than just one less post to read (or scroll past) on my friends page.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

I agree; I've taken the same steps in my personal life as well. If someone doesn't return phone calls or respond to the effort of friendship, I would rather spend time on those that do.

I don't have high expectations for blog-originated friendships, but once it crosses over into the realm of actual solid, I'm-part-ofyour-life friendship, I do expect some effort; that being said I realize people are busy and I know that true friendships aren't some hand-wringing affair where everyone's wondering "am I still your friend" like some kid's middle-school social circle. People fade into & out of our lives and we may try to remain close, but life interferes. True friendship isn't phased by that, or bound by distance & time.

I'm also often amazed at how many people feel neglected by their friends without making any genuine effort themselves. The old adage about friendship being a two-way street is bittersweetly true; so is the fact that most people would rather complain about a friend not calling rather than pick up the phone themselves.

With all that said, I try to watch, and to learn. Personally, I've not been the best of friends to some folks, and I want to refine where my energy is spent. I feel if someone can't see me roll by on a computer screen, why should I bother focusing on their lives? Unless someone amuses me or intrigues me, I see no reason to offer my attentions.

Just some of my personal observations.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

I always assume if the person is worth the effort and feel as though they still wish to be a part of things, they'll contact you. If I ever had someone ask to remain on my friends list I'd probably keep them since that alone implies effort.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

I probably did miss the context as I was bleary-eyed with sleep yesterday.

Contact & friendship, blog or IRL, is definitely a two-way street. What do you do, for example, when someone fails to return calls or text messages and then removes you from their friends list? Personally, I see that as someone cutting off contact, which is of course their choice.

Your timing for responding to this post is awfully interesting. Would you like to continue this conversation off LiveJournal? I'd e-mail you, but I can't find your e-mail in your profile. You can contact me at devilbair (at) comcast (dot) net.

I'd be happy to talk there as well.