Vision

[vianegativa]

My relationship with my eyes has always been difficult. More than any other part of my anatomy, even more so than my thickening middle, my eyes have been the part of my body that betrays me the most. From cross-eye (strabismus) at six, to at glasses at eight (or was it ten?), my eyes have always been in poor health.

When the pains behind my eyes started at fifteen, I wasn't surprised to learn it was glaucoma. I took the drugs to stave it off & went on, and when I lost the vision in my left eye at 24 from the glaucoma spiraling out of control as well as my own lack of insurance and understanding of what was happening, I took it in stride. The surgeries at thirty to salvage my eyes were simple, but did nothing for my left eye aside from leaving me with a very noticeable deformity in my left eye: the sclera, or white of the eye, is bulged over my pupil in the upper right quadrant of my left eye from where a shunt was installed to relieve pressure on the eye.

Call it vanity, but that last bit bothers me the most. I'm afraid to look people fully in the eye at times and actively try to keep my eye half-lidded so it doesn't show. I know it's a minor cosmetic issue, but the following thought pops into my head often:

"The eyes are the windows to the soul. And yours, chummer, look seriously fucked."

It's vanity, and I know people live with bigger issues: cancer, burn scars, lost limbs... it's just that I feel sometimes as though my eyes look too odd, or I look at things too intensely and people look away. People don't meet my eyes very often & that really bothers me; it makes me feel ugly on an almost spiritual level. It's as if the flaw in my flesh has deepened further, and the ugliness has slowly migrated into how others see me.

I hate being reminded of my lost vision, or my problems with my left eye. My friend kubshadow often teases my about wearing a patch or by calling me "one-eye". It stirs up anger that shouldn't be there for such a minor thing and is the biggest chink in my armor. It's one of the quick paths to really hurting me.

So you'll understand, I hope, when I tell you I loathe the opthamologist. I hate the tests, the prodding (yes, they prod my eyes to check pressure), the endless field of vision tests, the dilations, the pain from the drops they use. I hate how fragile my sight is, how it's the one sense I rejoice in most and the most fragile link I have to the world around me. I can live with the constant pressure, the pain, dull as it is, but I'm wrecked by the casual way in which the doctor can tell me I'm going blind or not. The anxiety I feel builds to a peak before I see the doctor, and I dread these visits like little else.

So, I'm off to the opthamologist tonight, for more tests, and perhaps a photo of my retina.

I feel like flipping off the world today, for some reason.

Comments

[baeritone.livejournal.com]

That icon speaks to me rather poignantly, given this information and its most obvious feature.

I've not see you in three dimensions, but you seem beautiful to me, and I'm not speaking merely of the physical. Your eyes appear to accentuate that beauty. None of which really helps, I know, but I thought you should know.

As for the opthamologist, I agree, it is teh suxx0rz. Good luck, sir, in your coming appointment.

[bearguy1976.livejournal.com]

i dont give a fuck how messed up ur vision gets ur still important me, so there!

[nullslashvoid.livejournal.com]

"...it's just that I feel sometimes as though my eyes look too odd, or I look at things too intensely and people look away. People don't meet my eyes very often & that really bothers me; it makes me feel ugly on an almost spiritual level..."

I only have intermittent exotropia (outward turning strabismus) and I feel very similar, so I can only imagine how much worse it must be for you with more eye problems.

Good luck with your appointment tonight, I hope everything goes well.

[mjollnir.livejournal.com]

I've found it hard to look people in the eye when they have a condition like that (or, I should say, with the opposite, which I know as 'wandering eye'). Not because I think it's weird, but because I'm not sure which eye to look at, and the communication that happens with a locked gaze is difficult to understand at first.

Fortunately I've found that spending a bit of time with someone is the fastest way to figure out which eye looks where and learn the key to puzzling out the eye communication.

It is unfortunate that so few people (relatively) will be willing to make the effort, but for myself, I doubt I'd even notice by now. I hope we can meet some time just so I can show you. *hugs*

And as for the buldging sclera...*shrugs* All I can say is I understand how you feel. I've felt exactly the same thing about myself, both about things I can change (being fat) and things I can't (millimeter peter, acne scarring). I still do, to be honest, but some people seem willing to ignore it, and some claim to not even notice--who knows, they might even be telling the truth. *grin*

[bootglove.livejournal.com]

I think you look fine!!!! & I also have a problem looking people directly in the eyes either when I speak to them :-)

If anyone has something nasty to say about your looks, let me know, I'll take care of them!!!! *EG*

[aadroma.livejournal.com]

the sclera, or white of the eye, is bulged over my pupil in the upper right quadrant of my left eye from where a shunt was installed to relieve pressure on the eye.

... and would you believe I've never noticed this? I tend to look directly AT people while talking to them and the like (portrait habits), and yet this has never been something that's caught my attention. Take that for what it's worth.

(HUG)

[cubziz.livejournal.com]

Would you believe me if I said I never really noticed?

I mean, I noticed "something", but never really paid any attention. *shrug*

And the trick I've found for looking people in the eyes is to count the hairs in their unibrow. Still looks like I'm paying attention when really I'm doing my best to NOT look into their eyes. ;)

[polomex.livejournal.com]

It's always something. It's just how we think.

Or maybe it's just how I think, I don't know.

I can't help but notice when someone's left ear is a bit higher than the right. I notice the freckles, the mole on a cheek, the white patch in a beard, the tiny scar on a forehead, the "bald" spot where a piercing used to be, the deep dimple in a chin, a receding hairline, etc. It's right there in front of me, I mean, I'm not going to pretend that I don't notice.

But do I care? Is it really going to affect what I think of this person? I see it, I acknowledge it, I move on. No big deal.

But I do understand what you're saying. No one enjoys acknowledging their own perceived imperfections, and we're certainly not going to like the person whose job it is to do exactly that. It's a cold, stinging reality slap.

I suppose it's a necessary evil. Because it's either that, or covering our ears (or eyes?) and pretending that there isn't a problem and none of it is really happening. We know too many people who live in "blissful ignorance," and theirs is not a life I envy.

[theg00dfight.livejournal.com]

Strap on a patch and a peg leg. I still think you're gorgeous. That has as much to do with your wit and intelligence as it does with your looks.

[booboobob.livejournal.com]

You've always looked fine to me, and I never had a problem looking you in the eyes.