Porn Deja Vu

[vianegativa]

There's a certain odd detachment I get to feeling when seeing myself pound my ex into grunting oblivion on an unnamed "free bear video clip of the day" site.

I have never watched any of my "filmography", and now that I've actually seen myself going at it I feel a certain awkwardness. I look so young, and like I'm not really there. It's supremely odd.

And fuck, does supercub look YOUNG. I could easily see someone asking if we picked him up from high school.

This is actually both awkward and funny, each feeling wrestling with the other for who gets to set in my head and make me fully react to seeing my belly flopitty-flop on my ex's ass.

I think humor's winning.

Comments

[gullinbursti.livejournal.com]

Heh.. I saw it and was totally thinking "wow, everyone looks so young..."

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

I think I look better now than I did then...

[gullinbursti.livejournal.com]

Agreed. *G*

Better ehy???

[daxcub.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... Ochen Interesna!!! ;)

HOLY SHIT!!!

[daxcub.livejournal.com]

That was you?! DAMN!!! Um... *blush* Not gonna say anything else on how my morning went after that moment... Except... All smiles since! ;)

Re: HOLY SHIT!!!

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Well, that as it's intended purpose. I'm glad it did it's job.

Purpose...

[daxcub.livejournal.com]

Purpose is as purpose does my mama always taught me... Is there any purpose I can send your way? ;)

Re: Purpose...

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'd love to see that purpose. :-)

devilbair at comcast dot net!

Enjoy dahling!

[daxcub.livejournal.com]

heh heh heh...

[mississippicub.livejournal.com]

lol eh you still look pretty good :op humm... speaking of your porn... *looks at shelf* hehehhe :op

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

You actually paid for it? Wow. Someone stole the courtesy copy they gave me...

[mississippicub.livejournal.com]

the bastards! hehehe... its a good one too :op

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

It'll be on when you get home, trust me.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

BTW, Thank you for asking insightful questions!

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Why wait?

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Actually, I'd really like to answer your question in a bit of depth.

I understand that doing porn, which is essentially broadcasting an intimacy, can have a number of effects, not the least of which is being objectified, and in certain cases even being relegated to the role in some people's minds of being a sexual automaton.

The act itself was for me; it was not one of exhibitionism even though it was a distinctly exhibitive act. Sasha at Bearfilms asked me, not my hubby & I, not myself and a friend, but ME solely to do a film. It was an acknowledgement in my mind that I wasn't as odd looking as I feel I am and it was exciting. I considered the impact on my career (which in four years has been nil) and decided to try it.

I'm always floored when people tell me they own it, or have seen it, or wanked off to it. In my mind that wasn't my reason for doing it, but from a purely pragmatic standpoint that's what porn is for, so how can I begrudge people for seeing me as a means to get off? I put myself in that boat. I'm never offended by it, and overall my experiences have been positive. Of the men I was with in that clip, I was dating & very much in love with two of them and a close friend of one afterwards. True, there's an odd sense of missing my exes when I see that clip (or more a fond pang for the good times we shared), but overall, I don't mind others "using" it or looking at me in a sexual light. That was the purpose of it.

Have there been a few socially maladroit people who can't comprehend I'm not some sexual fast-food for them? Sure, but overall it was a good experience. I don't think I'd do it again, but it isn't something I've ruled out doing again.

More than the meat please...

[daxcub.livejournal.com]

Didn't mean for my earlier comments to preclude my fondness is only based on the porn shot. From what I've read, I like ya overall. :)

Re: More than the meat please...

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

I didn't take it as such, guy! No worries!

[-cellardo0r-.livejournal.com]

See, I just thought it was plain hot myself.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

I have this odd uncomfortable feeling flirting with you & Paul at the same time, BTW, but I had a blast on Sunday.

Thank you for that. :-)

[-cellardo0r-.livejournal.com]

Actually, I sensed that and it's why I stopped. I have to admit, making sandwiches on the dancefloor was kind of fun though. Running my fingers up and down your sweaty back gave me all kinds of fun thoughts. It's all good though.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Oh, *I* could handle it, but I dunno yours & Paul's mind on such things. I err on the side of caution.

[-cellardo0r-.livejournal.com]

Sounds like we're alike in that regard. At least I got my goodnight kiss. hehe.

[jiminwi36.livejournal.com]

hummm and i gave you no thoughts at all

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

What's this busting of my balls I'm getting? :-)

[-cellardo0r-.livejournal.com]

Well you weren't on the dancefloor gyrating your half naked sweaty body against me either. lol.

[tropicstyle.livejournal.com]

HEY Pot.. this is Kettle.. what was it you said to me about comment whoreing?

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

God, I HATE, that icon... lol

No, it just struck me when I saw it this AM.

[tropicstyle.livejournal.com]

why thank you.. i picked it JUST for you..

[jiminwi36.livejournal.com]

it would have been so much better if you just would have not mentionted who they are. UGGGGGGGG i am so embareassed for you babe not something i would want to post about ....lol

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

They're my past. I'm not ashamed, it was just odd to see it.

[invisiblebear.livejournal.com]

when seeing myself pound my ex into grunting oblivion

Did I miss something in the backstory about that, or is my memory merely failing me?

Have the DVD, though. The scene holds up well.

[kj.livejournal.com]

I can dig the thoughts on this topic. Being a bit of a pornaholic, I do admit having trouble watching porn that involves people I know, never mind watching myself.