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vianegativaI've been pretty lax in keeping up with my journal in any substantial way recently. It seems I write in prolific fits then fall silent for a bit. Normally I'd kick my own ass for being so lazy, but as time wears on I see this journal more as a forum for personal expression than some kind of creative burden to be borne. Obviously, the more I look at it as an obligation the less I want to do it...
Yes, you think I'd get that outright, but I'm not always the brightest crayon in the box, particularly when it comes to my own motivations.
Case in point: as a result of job stress & my major health debacle a few months ago, I've been seeing a therapist (I know; SHOCK! Me? Mentally dodgy? Such a surprise!), and I was about to end our Thursday sessions since I saw little value in them thus far. I expected Thursday to be another hour of discussing points of stress to which I have the answers; eat right, sleep more, take private time, yadda yadda. Instead I actually had a good go-round with my psychologist that made me realize a very uncomfortable truth.
I've always prided myself on the fact that I've always known myself well, or at least thought I did. After Thursday I was left in a bit of shock as my therapist essentially pointed out that I'd taken my issues from adolescence and dressed them up in different clothes. I was so smug about feeling emotionally self-sufficient that I ignored my underlying problems and allowed them to crop up in other areas of my life.
All of this was a completely unwanted revelation; as I walked to the train on Thursday I was reeling at how everything connected and not in good ways. The allegory of Plato's Cave comes to mind, with all the unwanted, blinding illumination of the truth about my habits, reactions and all the little hobgoblins that comprise me.
I'd talk more about what this all means, but I'm still processing everything even now. My new perspective is bright and raw, and I feel more than a little vulnerable thinking about the implications of things that have come to light. I know, I know. This is all circuitous, and feels melodramatic, but the fact is I'm disturbed so deeply that I'm not ready to even say some of what I'm thinking aloud much less blab it all over LJ land. The one good point is that this forced me to logically re-examine my relationships with my fellas, and even though our relationships may have originated from a less-than perfect point, I'm with people who love me unconditionally.
It was a hard patch of learning but I'm certain of at least one thing: my guys love me & I'm damn lucky to have chanced into that. In that I feel comfort; everything else I'll just disassemble & rebuild until it works.
Yes, you think I'd get that outright, but I'm not always the brightest crayon in the box, particularly when it comes to my own motivations.
Case in point: as a result of job stress & my major health debacle a few months ago, I've been seeing a therapist (I know; SHOCK! Me? Mentally dodgy? Such a surprise!), and I was about to end our Thursday sessions since I saw little value in them thus far. I expected Thursday to be another hour of discussing points of stress to which I have the answers; eat right, sleep more, take private time, yadda yadda. Instead I actually had a good go-round with my psychologist that made me realize a very uncomfortable truth.
I've always prided myself on the fact that I've always known myself well, or at least thought I did. After Thursday I was left in a bit of shock as my therapist essentially pointed out that I'd taken my issues from adolescence and dressed them up in different clothes. I was so smug about feeling emotionally self-sufficient that I ignored my underlying problems and allowed them to crop up in other areas of my life.
All of this was a completely unwanted revelation; as I walked to the train on Thursday I was reeling at how everything connected and not in good ways. The allegory of Plato's Cave comes to mind, with all the unwanted, blinding illumination of the truth about my habits, reactions and all the little hobgoblins that comprise me.
I'd talk more about what this all means, but I'm still processing everything even now. My new perspective is bright and raw, and I feel more than a little vulnerable thinking about the implications of things that have come to light. I know, I know. This is all circuitous, and feels melodramatic, but the fact is I'm disturbed so deeply that I'm not ready to even say some of what I'm thinking aloud much less blab it all over LJ land. The one good point is that this forced me to logically re-examine my relationships with my fellas, and even though our relationships may have originated from a less-than perfect point, I'm with people who love me unconditionally.
It was a hard patch of learning but I'm certain of at least one thing: my guys love me & I'm damn lucky to have chanced into that. In that I feel comfort; everything else I'll just disassemble & rebuild until it works.
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no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 07:41 pm (UTC)If you ever need anyone to talk to that's not going to charge ya by the hour, gimme a ring, ok?
no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 07:58 pm (UTC)Glad you've found yours.
Now... where's my demon-be-gone?
no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 08:17 pm (UTC)Revelations rock!
I love therapy/counseling and it's so cool when others' can get great things out of it too. I know that this kind of stuff can be very crunchy at first but just keep on chewing and it will all go down nicely in time.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 08:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 08:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 08:45 pm (UTC)Then it just scared the hell out of me. :-)
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Date: 2006-09-13 08:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 08:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 11:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 09:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-13 10:24 pm (UTC)