Thickening
Feb. 9th, 2007 01:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vianegativaIt used to be, even as recently as three months ago, that I took most criticism harshly. Unkind words were extremely devastating to me, and even the most off-hand callous remark would leave me pouring over what I could have done wrong for an entire week or more. I didn't really see until recently that often people's issues with me are sometimes either solely their own or issues they continue to keep open wounds completely as their own choice.
Earlier this year I was at Fiesta de los Osos, and I happened to see someone I had a huge falling out with on LiveJournal several years before. Now, I count his partner as a friend, so in the interest of not keeping what was essentially a high-school catfight going I thought I'd bite the bullet, say hello and offer my him my hand in a handshake. Upon being caught by me he stopped, looked at me in disbelief, than walked away.
Ok, I thought, maybe he had someplace to be. In fact, when his partner came up and said he had to run and get tickets to an excursion I thought nothing of it and went about enjoying my day. Fast forward to the next day; I saw the same chap in the hall and extended my hand, smiled and said "Hi, Xxx, how are you doing?" I was more than a little taken aback when he narrowed his eyes evilly and walked on by like I wasn't there.
Ok, so it was obvious that this fellow was still very angry about our exchange on LiveJournal from three or four years ago, and that was completely his right. I was a little amused by the fact that he was choosing to use the favored social condemnation tactic of your average twelve year old, but ultimately it was his choice to choose to ignore me. I shrugged at this and went about the rest of my weekend.
Then it got weird and finally hilarious.
Every time I would appear in a room, this fellow would look uncomfortable. If it was a small room like the hospitality suite, he'd actually stop talking to people mid-sentence and walk out of the room when I appeared. His circle usually looked a little quizzical at this and when I sussed out that he was leaving merely because I was in the room I started to think how ridiculous it all was. At one point, without meaning to, I ushered him out of the hot tub area with my presence when I got up from the spa and inadvertently shooed him out of three conversations when I walked through the hospitality suite on my way to my room to change. At that point I realized A) how ludicrous his reaction was and how it was ruining the good time he was having and B) how sad it was that he had to react like that. I imagine he told all his friends about how I hounded him through Fiesta & ruined his good time, but I hope he wasn't that melodramatic.
That day I had an ephiphany. When we first had our tussle years before I wondered why someone who had been a stout friend and very complimentary until then had become so eager to tell me how cruel & wicked I was. As years passed I learned things that made me think his reasons for that reaction weren't entirely based on our fight, but rather in other feelings he was having. Beyond even that I realized that the person creating the drama at that moment was him. I understand not speaking with me if you are still carrying a mad-on, but getting up and stopping conversations with people because you feel you had to "escape" is just, well, childish. Any of the melodrama of that weekend, he owned. His strife was NOT my fault. Angels could have rained down on me playing air guitar, I was so stunned by such a small, simple thought.
When I caught his partner online I chatted him up a bit and then mentioned the issue; I don't know why I brought it up but I felt like he might shed some light into what happened. As he explained, he didn't think that that bridge could be rebuilt again, to which I replied "Well, that's a shame, but ultimately his choice. I still hope he enjoyed Fiesta." The response I got was a rather huffy, "You know, sometimes you just take my breath away" and then silence. The Matt of yore would painstakingly pour over ever word said to see what I could have possibly done to offend them and probably apologize like some kind of boot lick toady until the "wronged parties" deigned to communicate with me. Over the past few months I have had some revelations about myself and how people operate that really opened my eyes.
Earlier this year I was at Fiesta de los Osos, and I happened to see someone I had a huge falling out with on LiveJournal several years before. Now, I count his partner as a friend, so in the interest of not keeping what was essentially a high-school catfight going I thought I'd bite the bullet, say hello and offer my him my hand in a handshake. Upon being caught by me he stopped, looked at me in disbelief, than walked away.
Ok, I thought, maybe he had someplace to be. In fact, when his partner came up and said he had to run and get tickets to an excursion I thought nothing of it and went about enjoying my day. Fast forward to the next day; I saw the same chap in the hall and extended my hand, smiled and said "Hi, Xxx, how are you doing?" I was more than a little taken aback when he narrowed his eyes evilly and walked on by like I wasn't there.
Ok, so it was obvious that this fellow was still very angry about our exchange on LiveJournal from three or four years ago, and that was completely his right. I was a little amused by the fact that he was choosing to use the favored social condemnation tactic of your average twelve year old, but ultimately it was his choice to choose to ignore me. I shrugged at this and went about the rest of my weekend.
Then it got weird and finally hilarious.
Every time I would appear in a room, this fellow would look uncomfortable. If it was a small room like the hospitality suite, he'd actually stop talking to people mid-sentence and walk out of the room when I appeared. His circle usually looked a little quizzical at this and when I sussed out that he was leaving merely because I was in the room I started to think how ridiculous it all was. At one point, without meaning to, I ushered him out of the hot tub area with my presence when I got up from the spa and inadvertently shooed him out of three conversations when I walked through the hospitality suite on my way to my room to change. At that point I realized A) how ludicrous his reaction was and how it was ruining the good time he was having and B) how sad it was that he had to react like that. I imagine he told all his friends about how I hounded him through Fiesta & ruined his good time, but I hope he wasn't that melodramatic.
That day I had an ephiphany. When we first had our tussle years before I wondered why someone who had been a stout friend and very complimentary until then had become so eager to tell me how cruel & wicked I was. As years passed I learned things that made me think his reasons for that reaction weren't entirely based on our fight, but rather in other feelings he was having. Beyond even that I realized that the person creating the drama at that moment was him. I understand not speaking with me if you are still carrying a mad-on, but getting up and stopping conversations with people because you feel you had to "escape" is just, well, childish. Any of the melodrama of that weekend, he owned. His strife was NOT my fault. Angels could have rained down on me playing air guitar, I was so stunned by such a small, simple thought.
When I caught his partner online I chatted him up a bit and then mentioned the issue; I don't know why I brought it up but I felt like he might shed some light into what happened. As he explained, he didn't think that that bridge could be rebuilt again, to which I replied "Well, that's a shame, but ultimately his choice. I still hope he enjoyed Fiesta." The response I got was a rather huffy, "You know, sometimes you just take my breath away" and then silence. The Matt of yore would painstakingly pour over ever word said to see what I could have possibly done to offend them and probably apologize like some kind of boot lick toady until the "wronged parties" deigned to communicate with me. Over the past few months I have had some revelations about myself and how people operate that really opened my eyes.
- Some people will dislike you simply because you have something they don't.
- Contrition and remorse for doing something are tests of a sort for both parties; it's not only important to admit when you're wrong but what the other party chooses to do with your apology is just as important and telling.
- Some people just prefer to stay angry & bitter rather than move on.
- I cannot control how people react to me, I can only act in the means that I think are best.
- Some people want to cast you as a villain because in their eyes it makes them the hero of the tale. Things are rarely that simple.
- There are sadly people out there who will dislike me simply because I won't do what they want.
Overall, I think I treat people fairly well and when the people who don't care for me (and there are quite a few) complain I challenge them to talk about how I consistently treated them like trash. I make mistakes of course, but overall I try to do what's right.
I wonder if my former LJ buddy even gets the irony of the fact that after condemning me as a cruel & bitter person, his actions at Fiesta were no better. I'm thinking not. Either way, I hope he has a fine life.
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-09 07:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-09 07:41 pm (UTC)*HUGS* :)
I've heard Fiesta is actually a pretty good time...
no subject
Date: 2007-02-09 07:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-09 07:48 pm (UTC)And I thought I bore grudges to Olympic levels.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-09 08:12 pm (UTC)I think he also had serious LJ Drama.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-09 09:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-09 08:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-12 03:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-09 08:21 pm (UTC)additionally, being benign is often times twenty times more offensive to someone than pure malignancy.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-09 08:26 pm (UTC)There's no way to be honest and have everyone like you :)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-09 08:49 pm (UTC)Congrats on your new healthy perspective of how fucked up people can be. But you forgot one bullet point. People, for whatever reasons, will destroy their own happiness and never realise their own culpability, blaming everyone else around them, and there's nothing we can do to stop them.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-09 09:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-09 09:54 pm (UTC)You can only take responsibility for you. I cannot hold you responsible for how you make me feel or react. Those are controlled by me and are shaped by my own experiences and genetics, not your's.
At the same time, I own my own emotions and I will not allow you to make me feel or react in a way that I don't want. You can push my buttons, but it's my choice as to whether or not I'm going to react in the way that you hope I will.
I started concenting on this a few years ago and I find it to be very powerful.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-10 03:39 am (UTC)I have worked very hard to keep the drama to a minimum. I know others who thrive on drama. Most do so because they love playing the victim. Others do it to be cruel. Me? I just don't have the time or energy to devote to such a negative thing for so very long.
Yes this other personal was behaving just like a child would. Pity. It sounds like he could have had a good time if he would have just lightened up.