Wait for the Wheel
Feb. 28th, 2002 11:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vianegativaWell, after hearing more & more about the LJ community, I finally decided to jump into the fray. Things have been changing in my life for the better, and I took it as a sign that on the biggest day of that change I should do something positive, something to straighten my thoughts, something I can use as a tangible reminder of my day to day life. Mind you, this isn't all self-improvement and self-analysis; I've been watching how friendships have started to gel between folks on here & I thought I'd dip my foot in the water.
Ok, so what set me to doing this?
Yesterday, at about 4:30 PM CST, I signed the papers to put a mortgage on my house.
It was one of the most terrifying and at once exhilarating moments of my life. My heart raced back and forth between terror and joy as I stuffed my face full of Snyder's pretzels snagged from a clunky vending machine. I was whirling around mentally, trying to think how to pay it off early, what would happen if I were to lose the house, etc.
(Did I mention I should be named WorstCaseScenarioCub?)
After all this, as I got into Matt's Lexus to go to dinner, I had this epiphany. It was something I have been trying to hold off, to keep at bay, but as the thought settled in me it wasn't so bad.
I'm finally, REALLY, an adult.
It wasn't anything huge, just the clarity of it bowled me over. Responsibility. I mean, I've done adult things my entire life, but never FELT adult. i always felt as though I could run off & play D & D or Legos and banish adulthood far from the safety of my internal youth, but yesterday was like shutting the lid on the playbox when you know you won't be coming back to it again. It wasn't sad, it just was.
Mind you, I'm not going to stop gaming or pursuing Silly Kid Stuff just because I am now Mr. Mortgage, but it really has set in that a period in my life is over, hell WAS over, and that I'm finally seeing it. Its like looking over a rope bridge when you're halfway across it and going "Huh? How'd I get here?"
I guess I've tried to insulate myself from the real world, and didn't fully realize it til yesterday. Still, I feel good about whats going on: House getting repaired, Cipher getting money, debts all paid off and my fortunes at work look to be waxing soon. We'll see how it all comes along.
I have great hope.
Ok, so what set me to doing this?
Yesterday, at about 4:30 PM CST, I signed the papers to put a mortgage on my house.
It was one of the most terrifying and at once exhilarating moments of my life. My heart raced back and forth between terror and joy as I stuffed my face full of Snyder's pretzels snagged from a clunky vending machine. I was whirling around mentally, trying to think how to pay it off early, what would happen if I were to lose the house, etc.
(Did I mention I should be named WorstCaseScenarioCub?)
After all this, as I got into Matt's Lexus to go to dinner, I had this epiphany. It was something I have been trying to hold off, to keep at bay, but as the thought settled in me it wasn't so bad.
I'm finally, REALLY, an adult.
It wasn't anything huge, just the clarity of it bowled me over. Responsibility. I mean, I've done adult things my entire life, but never FELT adult. i always felt as though I could run off & play D & D or Legos and banish adulthood far from the safety of my internal youth, but yesterday was like shutting the lid on the playbox when you know you won't be coming back to it again. It wasn't sad, it just was.
Mind you, I'm not going to stop gaming or pursuing Silly Kid Stuff just because I am now Mr. Mortgage, but it really has set in that a period in my life is over, hell WAS over, and that I'm finally seeing it. Its like looking over a rope bridge when you're halfway across it and going "Huh? How'd I get here?"
I guess I've tried to insulate myself from the real world, and didn't fully realize it til yesterday. Still, I feel good about whats going on: House getting repaired, Cipher getting money, debts all paid off and my fortunes at work look to be waxing soon. We'll see how it all comes along.
I have great hope.
