Scumbags in Chicago? Who Knew.

[vianegativa]

I'm constantly amazed at just how petty & self-interested some people can be.

As some of you may know, comicbookcub is staying at my place while he makes arrangements for a new living situation. I'm helping him in this regard and despite shrill warnings from some about him, I find him to be a rather pleasant & unassuming guest who's helped with chores and been generally quiet as a churchmouse. I'd like to point out that Erik seems fully aware of the poor choices he's made & seems dead set on correcting his situation under his own power. He knows he has to do this on his own & where others in far less dire situations have asked me for far more, he has been reluctant to ask me for anything.

What's left me breathless is the array of scumbags in Chicago who seem eager to use his temporary dispossession to their advantage. People who offer a place to stay with the expectation of sex then lose interest when its not met. People who left him hanging with the knowledge that he could be sleeping on the streets. People who seem to need to pry into his situation without offering one iota of help or proposing one solution, just to sate their gossip.

I'd like to point out that Erik has not once complained to me about anyone, whined about his situation or bitched about any former roommates in any way. Everything I've heard has been snippets of his interactions with others or the attempts of others to sway my opinion and it really sickens me. People seem to either consider him a commodity to own, a person to talk at or a cheap thrill rather than a person. Best of all is the high-handedness some folks have while trying to take advantage of him.

Erik has fucked up. He knows this as do I, and we proceed accordingly. What gets me is how many people are eager to crucify him while trying to put the make on him; it's unbelieveable to me.

Comments

[polardemonwolf.livejournal.com]

I feel his pain. There are a lot of scumbags in this world, and most of them just want sex. If you don't give it to 'em, you're out on your ass. It's tough, maybe he needs to live alone for awhile.

Give him big hugs for me.


- Mikey

[cachorro34.livejournal.com]

The sad thing is, some of these people who are crucifying were probably in the same boat as he was when they first got to Chicago. You're great for helping him out and I'm sure he'll get back on track in no time. Great post Matt. Some of these losers really need to take a look in the mirror before they cast the first stone at ANYONE!

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

I think it's important to say that there are times when a person looks at things they've done, assesses their situation and tries to make amends if not at least correct their situation. I think that's the genuine case here.

The point is that I'm pissed of at people who are trying to use his situation as a bargaining chip or piece of idle gossip.

[cachorro34.livejournal.com]

That is just sick and wrong. It's like they need someone to talk about so they can feel better abuot themselves.

[mathan.livejournal.com]

It sounds like a friend of mine, who isn't the most sercure and sorted people, but he's working on his baggage and the pile of crap that he needs to sort through.

And then others constantly and purposely trying to add drama to his life. In one case, someone was putting up posters in bars in Toronto about him. It's pretty disgusting what lengths people will go through to try and beat someone down.

Pathetic.

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

Everyone fucks up, and at his age people often have less experience at avoiding fuckups or minimizing their impact. Good for you for helping cushion what he's dealing with while helping him stay accountable.

As for your main point, there is a fair amount of "make sexual use of the vulnerable" behavior in our community that I find odd, not so much because I don't understand the probable motivations (where understand does not mean condone or admire) as because it seems to be considered normal. The vulnerability could have to do with age (even leaving out minors), lack of experience, substance abuse problems, being freshly out of the closet or otherwise sexually uncertain, financial hardship, you name it, some people seem to zero in.

It's strange for me to watch; I'm aware of my own tendency to want to fix birds with broken wings, but my tendency is to be MORE careful about eroticizing such relationships rather than LESS, because sometimes to be genuinely helpful to someone, you have to get the sex *out* of the situation. I gather this makes me weird.

[cachorro34.livejournal.com]

Not to mention, no one wants to be "that guy" I remember when I wanted to up and move to Chicago because it's a fun place. But not without a job and secure place to stay.

That's just me but I've known lots of people who up and move to the city for a better gay life and dig themselves into a mess of trouble. And naturally someone will take them in so that they can literally "fuck" them over and then talk about how the said person never paid rent or had a job, etc. fuck that. No one needs or deserves that bullshit. I think our gay youth really need to work on getting themselves established in the "real world" before they jump into the reality of the difficulties of the "gay world".

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

I'll tell you, sometimes when I hear stuff like this, it makes me glad that I came out in my early thirties, and that I was almost totally celibate until I came out. As much as I recall that some of my slowness to come out was about homophobia, it's also true that I missed out on some BAD things that happen to younger queers.

[cachorro34.livejournal.com]

The same with me. I was 26, when I finally felt comfortable with it. However I was in grad school and had pretty much established myself as an independent adult. At 32 I'm still learning, but I think it's more gay youth should concentrate on being a person rather than being a gay person. Being gay is fun, but you still need to take care of your responsibilites. And of course there's nothing wrong with asking for help from your friends, but make sure they really are your friends in the first place.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

The latter part of your reply is a lesson I've had to learn recently. Sex is a very non-taboo subject for me, but the implications of playing with someone I choose to help could seem self-centered on my part. That being said, sex is out of the equation if I'm helping someone in truely dire straits these days.

I don't want to extend a helping hand and make it seem like I want a hand job in return. :-)

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

There are times when my over-fastidiousness has been a very good thing. I'm a lot more open to mixing sex with friendship and companionship than I used to be, but wow, when someone is in need ... I mean, among other things, it's so much easier to do harm even by accident. And to be totally selfish: when they're in need, I don't even know if the person I'm dealing with is who they *usually* are. So it's a bad time to get emotionally involved in the way I do via sex, just for my own protection.

[jrjarrett.livejournal.com]

The more I hear about Chicago, the more it scares me. Granted, I'm sure there are people who would take advantage of someone everywhere.

Why do I hear most about it from Chicago, tho?

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Despite the title of my post, it's not just Chicago and to assume that Chicago is more or less riddled with users would be a bad assumption.

I will say I know quite a few amazing folks here in the Windy City. I', just grousing about the assholes at the moment.

[jrjarrett.livejournal.com]

I'm sure. I chalk it up to some general naivete on my part.

[sftekbear.livejournal.com]

Major cities are centers of opportunities, and therefore attract large amounts of opportunists. You're going to find this to be the case anywhere in world.

[lostncove.livejournal.com]

This is VERY insightful. I never thought about it that way.

[mamoosh.livejournal.com]

I can't believe how much I hate you.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

How much you hate whom?

[mamoosh.livejournal.com]

Randy. I hate Randall Q. Wyatt with all my black little heart.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Whyfore? He seems like a nice elfin fellow to me.

[lostncove.livejournal.com]

Why do you hate me?

[badjahsensei.livejournal.com]

I hate to say it, but that sounds so very........bearish--both the accommodations with expectations of sex and the catty gossiping behind someone's back. It's both pathetic and shameful to see these tired fags prancing about like that. If they can't fuck someone, they'll trash them. Biggest reason I stay on the fringes of bear space...

[cachorro34.livejournal.com]

*ding* *ding* *ding* *ding* *ding*

You hit it right on the nose!

[hickbear.livejournal.com]

In a Past Life, my ex and I founded Southern Bears. After just a couple of years, I'd fallen into the habit of referring to the club as "Southern Belles" because of all the Suzanne Sugarbaker wannabes that were members.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Ninety percent of gay men should never be given temporal power, as they just tend to embrace their inner evil diva.

[hickbear.livejournal.com]

I'd say that your number is far, far too low. I'd venture something around Ivory soap - 99 44/100%.

[strongaxe.livejournal.com]

This has got to be one of the most insightful comments I have seen on a blog in a long time!

[cachorro34.livejournal.com]

mmm hmm

[countrykub.livejournal.com]

Yeah I have to agree on this. I don't know how many times in my life I have just wanted to say "F it" and just abandon all that is the "bear community" (Can you even call it that anymore?).

I am no where near perfect... and tend to just stay to myself now a days... but... wow. Heaven forbid you screw up in life and ya can't be as perfect as all these high-n-mighty queens.

[cachorro34.livejournal.com]

I've made too many friends to completely abandon the bear community. But lately I've been keeping a lower profile.

[countrykub.livejournal.com]

Yeah I hear ya!

My friends are the only reason I'll stick around on the sites and "in the scene". But I hardly go out anymore, have not been part of a "club" in years... and just avoid what I can and pick out the good things.

[cachorro34.livejournal.com]

Amen brother!

[nytemarewulf.livejournal.com]

You may not be perfect to all the high-n-mighty ones... But Roger and I like you ver much. :)

Oh yeahl... Happy Birthday sweetie... *Big Bear Hugs*

[clwolf81.livejournal.com]

I must admit... Even though I am not on many people's LJ listings, I know a couple of those mentioned or responded.... including Erik, thus I thought I'd share my thoughts on the matter... Thus, I apologize for barging in here unnanounced.

I know of his situation, and it saddens me to no end. It reminds me a lot of myself. Let me explain why I even came here in the first place....

Well, basically, I was laid off and thus had no help from anyone back home in LA, friends or family. I just didn't want to be homeless. It made me wonder at the time with a mooching ex who lived with me and my laid off situation as to why I deserved this.

My roommate now presently is helping me get back on my feet, as I've been helping out with random chores in the house as well as cleaning it for future houseguests, so it can look as beautiful as it is. I've known him for almost 10 years as a very close friend and as the big brother I never had. In fact, he was the only one, friend or family, that even offered me a spot without any particular issue... That alone should be a shame to those whom I used to know back in LA. And yes, used to. I have no intentions of going back now.

Yeah, I don't have a job, but hey, I'm just glad I have a place to live, and yes, I'm looking for work... something I know I can do within my own morals and potential, of course. But either way, I feel for Erik right now, as I know I could easily be in his position right now in Los Angeles - homeless and on the street.

What bothers me is the fact that its not just the gay world when it comes to Los Angeles... Sad part about it is, well... The people there, including my own family, couldn't be anymore shallow and catering to their own self-interests, and my dad was enough proof for me... He told me "I'd welcome you, but don't expect me to be happy about it," not to mention that, but I wasn't allowed there on the weekends. To be honest, I am not sure I'd ever want to go back to Los Angeles for friends or family... I'm that heartbroken over it. Nevertheless, I am moving on.

But it bothers me about Chicago... I've not seen that side of Chicago. I'm sure I will, as I've heard the stories, but its sad that sex plays a role in the lives of the victims just for a bite to eat or a place to live. But as someone else commented earlier - it happens everywhere. I'm glad for that alone, that I read this, and I thank you for posting this.

I know I haven't seen Erik at all recently or even spoken with him than our usual one line chatters, but I do wish him the best of luck. He needs all the prayers in the world and help right now, and I'm glad theres a good samaritan like you out there helping him out. Take good care of him. I know I would have if I could.

Can I just say..

[liquid-wayno.livejournal.com]

You're a truly wonderful person - for helping out a friend in need, and even more so for refusing to believe all the lies and bullshit that has been spoken about Erik. I don't know either of you, but I'd certainly like to.. we need more people of this calibre in this so-called "community" of ours.

Re: Can I just say..

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the compliment, but I'm just helping out a friend. I hope others would do the same for me.

I will say that what people have spoken about Erik aren't lies; he made some bad decisions and he's paying the price for them. Point is, he's trying to move beyond that and there are far too many opportunists looking to make use of his bad situation.

The point is, did Erik fuck up? Yes. Does he deserve to live in a gutter for it? No. He's trying earnestly to get his life turned around and he simmply doesn't need oversexed opportunists and gossip queens cloying at him while he does.

[countrykub.livejournal.com]

Hehehe... Matt.... never will kick that habit of helping the wayward cub, eh?

Good for you. :-D

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

The House of Wayward Cubs is closed and has been for awhile. :-)

This is just a brief assist. :-)

[-cellardo0r-.livejournal.com]

Good for you for not listening to what everyone else has to say and making your OWN decision.

[profundojoe.livejournal.com]

As one of the "prancing fairies" and "scumbags" this post and its comment section refers to, let me say this: none of you know of what you speak with regards to Erik. A whopping 0% of the commenters here have first hand experience in Erik's life, Matt excepted. Yes, Erik made mistakes. I can't speak for those that came after him, but I know I have't tried to take advantage of his misadventures, nor did I use him sexually as payment for his stay. I'm more than open to his growth, his maturing, and his regret for his past actions. Don't put shit on us "scumbags" because he's grown up _now_.

[sunflower1969.livejournal.com]

I just have to assume Matt is not including you and Chris in the line of fire on this one, because that would be as misguided as the behavior he's criticizing.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

That would be correct; the people I'm talking about have been committing this asshattery in the past seven days. Point of fact, Erik has had nothing but good things to say about Joey & Chris giving him a place to live as long as they did.

My aim is true.

[vianegativa.livejournal.com]

Actually, you're not one of the "scumbags" I was referring to. The people I'm bitching about have given Erik the business over the past seven days, and that definitely does not include you.

Erik has talked to me about his stay with both you & Chris and has had nothing but kind words about you two. He knows he made some grave mistakes but he's working on his issues. He's put no part of his problems on you or Chris or Newton or anyone he has stayed with. I understand your experiences with him and I can certainly understand the justified feelings they would engender.

Oh, and one other thing. On a personal note, if I feel you've done something shitty & I know you personally, I'll call you on it. If you think I'm being coy about calling you a scumbag and doing a roundabout slag job on you in my journal, feel free to ask, because I have no issue telling people what I think of them.

[bootglove.livejournal.com]

I don't know the details of what happened, I don't want to know the details, what happened is in the past, & I am glad Matt that you were able to assist Erik in his time of need. You & Mike seem to be the safe haven in the port of storms that seem to be sweeping thru the Gay Community.

Also, as a multi-interest Bear, it seems Drama can be found EVERYWHERE... Leather, Cowboy, etc... all have Drama.. I swear some people feed on it like a mosquito feeding on blood :-( But this mosquito never has it's thirst quenched & will continue to look for more victims...

*SIGH*

Thanks for being there for Erik!!

[leiny.livejournal.com]

I feel a little bad that I never thought of guiding him toward you. I couldn't do much for him and I knew when he offered someone I know 'very' well sex to stay that things were real bad.

I just hope this lasts and something good will come of it.

Well. . . .

[(Anonymous)]

. . . let me start by saying I know I will get flack for posting anonymously. I have my reasons. But, as someone who has personally been hurt by Erik, and very badly, I say . . . good for you. I have forgiven him and I think it is important that others do, too. That is all.