Gone All Star White

[vianegativa]

Sodom, South Georgia

by Iron & Wine

Papa died smiling
Wide as the ring of a bell
Gone all star white
Small as a wish in a well
And Sodom, South Georgia
Woke like a tree full of bees
Buried in Christmas
Bows and a blanket of weeds

Papa died Sunday and I understood
All dead white boys say, "God is good"
White tongues hang out, "God is good"

Papa died while my
Girl Lady Edith was born
Both heads fell like
Eyes on a crack in the door
And Sodom, South Georgia
Slept on an acre of bones
Slept through Christmas
Slept like a bucket of snow

Papa died Sunday and I understood
All dead white boys say, "God is good"
White tongues hang out, "God is good"


The above is probably my favorite Iron & Wine song; the imagery is stark and reminds me of when my own father passed; oddly enough the song doesn't evoke any sadness for me, but rather the beauty of life and (not to sound morbid) the beauty of dying gracefully, in a state of peace.

"Gone all star white...." there's no better way to describe how I feel today. Faded, insubstantial, ghostly. Stress has had my knees bowed this week and I wanted last night to just chuck everything and run far away from my life. Stress from work, school, creative frustration. Money stress, relationship stress, hell, I'm firmly of the belief that I'm stressed over the new Fall television schedule. I feel like there are arrows racing at me from all points and I'm a moving target. Everyone reaches that point, but last night I was so close to giving up on everything I felt like it was the night I'd break. In fact, I wanted to. I wanted to collapse inward and be that sobbing wreck, if only to let all the pent up stress wash out of me.

I didn't cry. I just went to sleep angry, with the edge of a hundred bitter words in my mouth.

Today I still want to surrender. Badly. I want to curl up an cry my head off, but something happened when I woke up today. I started my diet again, studied and laid out a schedule to resume working out. I didn't want to, but for some reason at the point of complete failure something inside me switched on and wouldn't LET me give up. I have no idea what part of me it is, relentless and driven, but there is a part of myself, almost feeling like it originates outside myself, that will not leat me cease. I feel restless and defiant.

I still want to shut down but apparently something inside won't let me. It's an odd feeling to be mentally hijacked by your own superego.

Comments

[mississippicub.livejournal.com]

HUGS

[brevat.livejournal.com]

Big hugs to you. I hope you get a chance to release the stress in a good way. We've all been to this point before so I know it is annoying at the least. Best wishes to you and again big hugs.

[comicbookcub.livejournal.com]

things will get better!! hugs!!!

[lucentnotion.livejournal.com]

no shutting down! We just made plans for visiting!!!! *HUGS* I'm just teasing you babe. You know you are free to call me anytime if you need someone to talk to.