Damn Right.

[vianegativa]

I posted this to the Huzbears Yahoo! Group earlier today. I'm somewhat proud of it...



You know, I rarely post, but felt compelled to this time. My silence
would do a great disservice to myself and MANY others I know.

BearcubcoupleNYC essentially referred to poly people as "assholes"
and I can't let that go unanswered, especially considering I am
currently in a four person relationship.

I have been with my partner Mike for 3 years. Two years ago, we met
a shining young lad named John who stole our hearts. We weren't
looking for a third, and even if we would have been, we thought it
too early in our relationship to add another. Love does't wait for
reason however, and we've been with him ever since. Another year
passed and Johnny came into the picture. Loyal, sweet, and
considerate, he strove to make a place for himself with us. After a
huge debate that lasted months, we let him move in, more so he had a
place to stay than as a partner. Since then, he has become a loyal
and devoted member of our family.

As a side note, we are open as well.

Being open in a relationship, or poly is a personal choice. I'm not
here to extoll the virtues of being either. In fact, to be truthful,
it can be hard. Have problems remembering your bf's birthday? Add
two more dates. The laundry and dishes we do alone should be enough
to scare people. It's not a constant orgy, and it's not just about
sex. It's about headcolds, cleaning house, and making a real life
together.

Calling poly people "assholes" is just as inflammatory as using the
term "monog-fascists". Being open or poly is CERTAINLY not for
everyone, or even many, but I will not have my relationship which
I've fought hard for condemned by uneducated rhetoric. It's ALL a
personal choice.

Can you not stand the thought of someone bedding your lover? Stay
monogamous.

Are you interested in being with other people, sexually, but are
truly in love with your partner? Maybe you should discuss an open
relationship.

Look, we're all built quite differently mentally. Ask any
psychologist or psychiatrist. Blanket statements of "open being
good" or "monogamy being bad" do a great disservice to EVERYONE,
because when you begin thinking in terms of generic codas for
living, you forget the people having to live the lives you may be
judging. For all those who champion ANY one point of view with a
zealot's fervor, I say this:

How different is someone's enforcing their point of view on how gay
relationships SHOULD work from someone enforcing the idea of whether
or not it is good or bad to be gay?

In closing, I'm going to say this: I'm happy with my relationship
and I'm in it for the long haul. I'm poly, and I'm open, and I can
say that I don't recommend it for most people. What I DO recommend
is that a couple finds WHATEVER common ground they need to to build
a life and love.

Oh, yes. One last thing.

I AM an asshole, but not because I choose to be in a poly
relationship. Anyone who wants to condemn my relationship for being
non-tradtional needs to get on the same float as Fred Phelps and
Anita Bryant.

I hope you all find your best destiny.

--Matthew

Comments

[cub4bear.livejournal.com]

Anyone who wants to condemn my relationship for being
non-tradtional needs to get on the same float as Fred Phelps and
Anita Bryant.

Good for you! The self-righteousness of some monogamists who believe that their type of relationship is the only valid one is exactly the same as the self-righteousness of fundamentalist bigots who hate homosexuality.

Incidentally, after reading your post, I decided to check out that Yahoo Group and read the thread in question. Some of the people making anti-poly posts are chock-full of internalized homophobia. Yikes.

[nfotxn.livejournal.com]

Wow, internalized homophobia on a bear discussion group? Well blow my fuckin' mind.

Passing generalized judgements on individuals == bad.

It's really quite a simple concept, I don't understand why so many people have trouble with it..

I'm gonna join the soapbox......

[uberdaddybear.livejournal.com]

There was a little group of discussion regarding this at BITW this weekend. Everybody sets boundaries that are dependent on their personal needs, trust levels, safeties, etc.... as a unit. That being the key. For instance, Matt and I rarely play *together* with another person, as its quite simple as I am atrracted to guys his size and he is attracted to guys my size and neither of us feels an obligation to supervise or make sure the other person isn't 'better' then we are. We also don't do things with people who live within 100 miles of Chicago just as a safety zone that we are both comfortable with. We also have a no questioning VETO ability. If either of us has bad vibes about a person we call a time out and we move on. That may seem ludicrous to some, and some consider that prudish but for us it works. and quite frankly, if there is an issue with it then don't talk to us about it. It's our lives, our relationship, and our decision. We communicate about everything and we are secure.

I appreciate that there are people who are strong enough to stand up and be counted for their way of life and what works for them. And for those that think "Their way is the only way" then in the famous words of our ever lovable richie741: FUCK ALL Y'ALL BITCHES.

Hugs and Tugs,

Poppabear out.

Well said.

[bearwitched.livejournal.com]

I have been in a couple of Poly relationships and the reasons that I am no longer with those people has nothing to do with Poly... yet several of my friends have condemned me for even trying... and my current boyfriend is still learning about it and we are monogamous at the moment... but I hope that changes, but if it doesn't that is okay too...

I agree that people need to find what is right for them and stop trying to force their idea of what a relationship *should* be on everyone else.

Just my $0.02 worth

you're trying to teach a pig to sing here.

[henare.livejournal.com]

... and, y'know, while having a singing pig around the house is kinda fun, usually you end up wasting your time and annoying the pig.

it is my experience that folks who express these sorts of ideas aren't interested in the actual truth so much as they're interested in the truth that works for them (which they already know, so fuckyouverymuch!)

this isn't to say that your words won't be of value to someone--they'll help those who have been thinking about this but who haven't had a sounding board for their feelings ... and that's a good thing.

[lfkbear.livejournal.com]

Poly relationships scare people. Hell, anything that's not part of people's established beliefs scare them. It's sad, but true. Right-on to you for standing tall for what you believe in. I hope you continue to find all of the happiness you want and need in the people you choose to spend your life with.

And please never stop speaking up and out.

[cabearcub.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm one of those that am very staunch in my belief that monogamy is the only thing that works for me. I am also the first to admit that I am the LAST person to say what kind of relationship is right for ANYONE else but myself. It seems like proponents for open-relationships or poly-relationships can be just as judgemental as monogamists, especially when they feel like they are the ones being judged. Anyone is doing really well if they can even figure out what's best for themselves. It takes someone with a lot of arrogance to assume that he would know what's best for most people. Not all monogamists are self-righteous or perpetuating hetero stereotypes of morality, etc. Not all monogamists are insecure control freaks. Not all open proponents are heathen, immoral pigs who have no concept of committment.

Your response was just and made a lot of sense. No side can be right, except for themselves.

[markeeli.livejournal.com]

Very Well put. I agree with you that it is not for everyone, but then if it was we would all be boring. Diversity makes us all unique. Let us take joy in that, monogamous or not, let's rejoice in the diversity that is in all of us.
Anyway, well put! Good Job!

[basskitkays.livejournal.com]

the things we all need to know...

living your life in your best interest and the best interest of your partner(s)/family of choice = good
telling others what their family of choice should 'look' like = bad

[phyrehawk.livejournal.com]

all i have to say is that if it takes my cub, and i trying something ourselves to find out wether it is good for us or not; how can someone say it would be bad for us?

there are pluses to both types for everyone involved as long as everyone involved is on the same page. if not then there is chaos.

good for you for standing up for what is turning out to be right for you, and your bears. i don't know if mike, and i can reach that point, but i will not cry if we don't, nor will i cry if we do. simply i shall love him come what may.

Well Put!

[sonoranbear.livejournal.com]

On behalf our our quartet, thank you Matt. Very succinctly and elegantly expressed. I don't think it'll probably sink in with those that feel they're fighting the righteous fight. It may make a few of those who still have an open mind realize that love comes in many wonderful forms.

We need to chat!

*HUGS*

[thegreenbear.livejournal.com]

I agree. On all accounts that I have read posted as well.

Well spoken.

[redcub.livejournal.com]

Several rounds of applause to you, Matt. Well thought and well writen. May your words reach people with open ears and open minds and teach them a thing or two about Poly-ism beyond the fear and ignorance pushed upon them previously.