Rantalicious: Villains
Dec. 23rd, 2002 08:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vianegativaTo all my friend on Livejournal:
I am not, by many definitions of the term, a "good" man.
I am aggressive.
I am unyielding.
I am singular in purpose.
Lately I've noticed how much the term "nice" or "good" is predicated by someone getting something they want from me. Be it praise, concession, or cash and other fabulous parting gifts, everyone's conception of a sweeter, more approachable Matt is based on me going along to get along. That time, I think, has come to an end.
You see, I would like to be your new "villain".
Just within the past two weeks, my unwillingness to kowtow to other people's machinations has resulted in my shaking loose not one, but TWO dramabombs from the branches of my family tree. I think you're all aware of one of the persons of which I speak, and the other was a fairweather friend who only chose to speak with me because it was "politically convenient" to be pleasant to me. That I have lost these two from life is no great thing; the humorous part is that both accused me of being an evil person while I provided emotional support to one and encouragement and home furnishings to the other.
I hope you can all appreciate the irony of being told how evil and selfish you are in an e-mail composed on the very desk your self-sh, black little heart gave that person. It warms the black cockles of my heart.
So, despite having done these things, despite having saved families homes from foreclosure, despite helping people to graduate college by paying part of their tuition, despite grabbing some people up from the black abyss they were falling into, emotionally, financially, or otherwise, I am a villain. I am selfish, and evil, and to be avoided at all costs in the estimation of a few who enjoyed my aid until I would allow them no more charity.
Fine.
Cast me as that "villain", and I will gladly become it.
All melodrama aside, I have come to a few decisions. Primarily amongst these is that I am not a "good" man in terms one might use in modern, polite society. I have too many traits in my personality that modern society would never accept, gilded as it is. That's something I can live with, and perhaps I'll go into my less civilized traits later. For now, I think I'll list some of my outdated credos.
I believe in loyalty. I do not believe in that petulant "Must See" Thursday night TV version of friendship; I believe in that grimy, back alley "got your back" in a knife fight version of loyalty. I think I can openly come out of the closet and say with predatory glee: Fuck with my friends and I'll end you. It's unfashionable these days to relate to your friends in a primal, call of the wild way, but I will back my friends up, even if they should be wrong. I will forgive foolish mistakes and strive to understand why someone has acted in a certain way before casting them aside without hesitation. I will show my friends unflinching loyalty and never fail to spring to their defense. Rash? Yes. Foolish? Perhaps. This will be my means of conduct, to have faith in those I call friend.
I believe I should not have to apologize for who I am and what I have. I have 3 hubbies (YES, I said three. Love makes me a fool for one of them), a good job, a tremendous sex life, plenty of friends, and a future. I love deeply, madly, and in ways some really don't understand. I've earned every scrap of joy in my life, so to the vindictive, single harpies who bitterly use me as gossip fodder:
Nyah, Nyah, Nyah.
I'm not going to apologize for being in a successful long term relationship to some drama queen who in five years has dated someone for all of five minutes, primarily because you won't find "faux suicide attempts" in the pros column of prospective boyfriends. Adjust your dosage and fuck off. I'll be happy to be your "villain" since I have so much of what you deny yourself through sabotage. For you bitter monstrosities that say I'm "hogging all the men", sorry, gay life doesn't have a communist manifesto, and you will NOT be assigned the man of your dreams. You have to find him under your own lacking resources. Now, do be a dear and down that 10th double vodka. It makes you SO appealing.
I believe that I am not evil. I will not apologize for not having deep-rooted "God hates my naughty bits"-related issues regarding sex. I take joy in flesh, food, and wine; yes, occasionally too much, but if a man can't get a little soused near his friend & be forgiven, it's called AN OFFICE PARTY. Sorry that something happened to you in the past, or that your upbringing prevents you from exploring the infinite diversity of human sexuality. Get over it. I did, and trust me, if you'd like to play "Super Goth Dueling Sexual Neurosis" I can beat you, hands down. I am corporeal; flesh in a universe of matter. Call me a sensualist, but if you're not experiencing this world because of fear, you're not living.
I choose not to be victimized by my past. Trauma is the binding force in the human experience. It shapes our reactions to things, and sets off those little warnings that buzz against the bone in our heads when something is amiss. I don't wish to be one of those tiresome "consistent victims" who uses a moment of personal torment as the grounds for YEARS of emotional irresponsibility, paranoia, and failure in all their interpersonal relationships. Before the wagging fingers start saying "you've never...."
I have. I just choose to move beyond the abuse with the understanding that my actions as an adult are my own, and I hold full accountability for how I treat people. Oh, and to those who use a personal victimization of the magnitude of say, rape, to express how "violated" they feel because someone said something vicious to them: FUCK OFF, you simpering fool. In those cases, I doubt the trauma ever even occurred.
To sum up for those of you who like to skip to the end of the book:
I believe in loyalty.
I believe in not having to apologize for who I am and what I have.
I believe I am not evil.
I believe in not being victimized by my past.
These are all concepts given dubious lip service by polite society, and in many ways scorned by gay society at large. So, you see, I'm on the verge of taking up the mantle of "villain", simply because being people's "hero" requires too much sacrifice and self-compromise. It's to my great sadness that a few "friends" decided that I was undesirable because they could not get what they demanded, but I take some comfort in the fact that I'm no longer cordial with two people more familiar with the "take" aspect of the give & take of friendship. If I am to be considered a "villain" by a subculture dedicated to its own misery because I take joy I've earned, then fine.
*waxes moustache, gets back cape*
Time to tie some drama queens to the train track, I think.
I am not, by many definitions of the term, a "good" man.
I am aggressive.
I am unyielding.
I am singular in purpose.
Lately I've noticed how much the term "nice" or "good" is predicated by someone getting something they want from me. Be it praise, concession, or cash and other fabulous parting gifts, everyone's conception of a sweeter, more approachable Matt is based on me going along to get along. That time, I think, has come to an end.
You see, I would like to be your new "villain".
Just within the past two weeks, my unwillingness to kowtow to other people's machinations has resulted in my shaking loose not one, but TWO dramabombs from the branches of my family tree. I think you're all aware of one of the persons of which I speak, and the other was a fairweather friend who only chose to speak with me because it was "politically convenient" to be pleasant to me. That I have lost these two from life is no great thing; the humorous part is that both accused me of being an evil person while I provided emotional support to one and encouragement and home furnishings to the other.
I hope you can all appreciate the irony of being told how evil and selfish you are in an e-mail composed on the very desk your self-sh, black little heart gave that person. It warms the black cockles of my heart.
So, despite having done these things, despite having saved families homes from foreclosure, despite helping people to graduate college by paying part of their tuition, despite grabbing some people up from the black abyss they were falling into, emotionally, financially, or otherwise, I am a villain. I am selfish, and evil, and to be avoided at all costs in the estimation of a few who enjoyed my aid until I would allow them no more charity.
Fine.
Cast me as that "villain", and I will gladly become it.
All melodrama aside, I have come to a few decisions. Primarily amongst these is that I am not a "good" man in terms one might use in modern, polite society. I have too many traits in my personality that modern society would never accept, gilded as it is. That's something I can live with, and perhaps I'll go into my less civilized traits later. For now, I think I'll list some of my outdated credos.
I believe in loyalty. I do not believe in that petulant "Must See" Thursday night TV version of friendship; I believe in that grimy, back alley "got your back" in a knife fight version of loyalty. I think I can openly come out of the closet and say with predatory glee: Fuck with my friends and I'll end you. It's unfashionable these days to relate to your friends in a primal, call of the wild way, but I will back my friends up, even if they should be wrong. I will forgive foolish mistakes and strive to understand why someone has acted in a certain way before casting them aside without hesitation. I will show my friends unflinching loyalty and never fail to spring to their defense. Rash? Yes. Foolish? Perhaps. This will be my means of conduct, to have faith in those I call friend.
I believe I should not have to apologize for who I am and what I have. I have 3 hubbies (YES, I said three. Love makes me a fool for one of them), a good job, a tremendous sex life, plenty of friends, and a future. I love deeply, madly, and in ways some really don't understand. I've earned every scrap of joy in my life, so to the vindictive, single harpies who bitterly use me as gossip fodder:
Nyah, Nyah, Nyah.
I'm not going to apologize for being in a successful long term relationship to some drama queen who in five years has dated someone for all of five minutes, primarily because you won't find "faux suicide attempts" in the pros column of prospective boyfriends. Adjust your dosage and fuck off. I'll be happy to be your "villain" since I have so much of what you deny yourself through sabotage. For you bitter monstrosities that say I'm "hogging all the men", sorry, gay life doesn't have a communist manifesto, and you will NOT be assigned the man of your dreams. You have to find him under your own lacking resources. Now, do be a dear and down that 10th double vodka. It makes you SO appealing.
I believe that I am not evil. I will not apologize for not having deep-rooted "God hates my naughty bits"-related issues regarding sex. I take joy in flesh, food, and wine; yes, occasionally too much, but if a man can't get a little soused near his friend & be forgiven, it's called AN OFFICE PARTY. Sorry that something happened to you in the past, or that your upbringing prevents you from exploring the infinite diversity of human sexuality. Get over it. I did, and trust me, if you'd like to play "Super Goth Dueling Sexual Neurosis" I can beat you, hands down. I am corporeal; flesh in a universe of matter. Call me a sensualist, but if you're not experiencing this world because of fear, you're not living.
I choose not to be victimized by my past. Trauma is the binding force in the human experience. It shapes our reactions to things, and sets off those little warnings that buzz against the bone in our heads when something is amiss. I don't wish to be one of those tiresome "consistent victims" who uses a moment of personal torment as the grounds for YEARS of emotional irresponsibility, paranoia, and failure in all their interpersonal relationships. Before the wagging fingers start saying "you've never...."
I have. I just choose to move beyond the abuse with the understanding that my actions as an adult are my own, and I hold full accountability for how I treat people. Oh, and to those who use a personal victimization of the magnitude of say, rape, to express how "violated" they feel because someone said something vicious to them: FUCK OFF, you simpering fool. In those cases, I doubt the trauma ever even occurred.
To sum up for those of you who like to skip to the end of the book:
I believe in loyalty.
I believe in not having to apologize for who I am and what I have.
I believe I am not evil.
I believe in not being victimized by my past.
These are all concepts given dubious lip service by polite society, and in many ways scorned by gay society at large. So, you see, I'm on the verge of taking up the mantle of "villain", simply because being people's "hero" requires too much sacrifice and self-compromise. It's to my great sadness that a few "friends" decided that I was undesirable because they could not get what they demanded, but I take some comfort in the fact that I'm no longer cordial with two people more familiar with the "take" aspect of the give & take of friendship. If I am to be considered a "villain" by a subculture dedicated to its own misery because I take joy I've earned, then fine.
*waxes moustache, gets back cape*
Time to tie some drama queens to the train track, I think.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
hehe
Date: 2002-12-23 08:25 am (UTC)nice.
staying true to yourself is the best weapon against those who react to you out of envy and self-doubt.
rock on, motherfucker.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-23 08:33 am (UTC)aim me. I gotta ask you something (not about this post :P)
*Zoink!*
On a more related to Matt's post point;
I hope I never piss you off. :P
no subject
Date: 2002-12-23 09:12 am (UTC)interesting.
I believe in the same 4 things that you mentioned, loyalty to the core, not being evil, not being a permanent victim, and not feeling guilty for being ME.
I am amazed. You have just summed up the last 12 years of my life in a single post. I have several "friends" that treated me like I could do no wrong and that I had all the answers, until I told them that I wouldn't do something for them or told them that they needed to stand on their own... then suddenly I was "evil incarnate".. never minding that I had spent countless hours and dollars helping them up to that point. Lies and rumor were spread behind my back that I was doing all manner of evil things... and of course word got back to me and I confronted them about it and was told that I was evil because I refused to help them anymore (insert much pouting at this point and major guilt trips)... sheesh..
So the moral of the story is... you are not the only one. So where do I sign up to be a villian too..
(insert maniacal laugh here)
Kyros
no subject
I make a good henchman.
no subject
I think you and I differ in our choice of actions. A lot of these concepts are fairly universal, I'd say a lot of people feel the same way. However, how we act on them, and how other people reactions are the 'large' 'dramatic' parts.
I think I tend to choose the path of indifference more than the path of getting angry. You seem very angry. I don't know what actions you take, I haven't spoken with you in a while. While I do have my opinion on these kinds of things I'm not going to say it. I do however want to say that whatever you do, while you're so upset, isn't healthy for you. It causes stress and depression, which are just not good for the other things in life such as your self-esteem and physical well being.
I believe it's healthy to define yourself by how you 'feel' and your opinions, but I think also that when people get upset how other's don't 'respect' these things, they're losing control of 'defining' themselves, and ultimately allowing people to manipulate them. In other words, you're giving them what they want.
You might want to quit defending yourself. You don't need a reason for feeling the way you do, other than the fact that you do. Get rid of the verbal crutches and just stand up for it. Don't counter-attack, ignore. You spend more time fending off these attacks than you would if you just let it 'slide' off of you.
I don't know. I just see you spending a lot of energy 'staying in the same place' instead of focusing on moving forward.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-23 10:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-12-23 11:19 am (UTC)You just became my new hero.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-28 12:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-12-14 02:50 pm (UTC)Years later, I find that you have summed up my point of view both succinctly and powerfully.
I become ever more impressed with you.
Another person's comfort with who and what I am is never a prerequisite for me being who and what I am. I'm glad to see that someone out there shares this viewpoint.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-17 03:45 pm (UTC)