(no subject)

[vianegativa]

I've started this entry over about five times or so as I write this; a good indicator of the personal chaos rumbling through my head. I'm mentally exhausted... perhaps a bit depressed, but I'm so topsy turvy I cannot be sure of my own mental state. At the moment, I feel like a radio tuned into white noise... annoying, hissing, white noise.

Not to be crude, but I feel like I was just mentally gangbanged by a bunch of Vorlons from B5. "Who are you?", "What do you want?", "Why are you here?". Well, not quite that probing, but you get the idea. The real question of the day was "What do you want?", and it came from an unlikely source over a lunch of foccacia chicken with peppers.
I was totally unprepared to be challenged on a philosophical level today. It all started with one question:

"Are you sure you want to do this anymore?"

Blammo.

My answer was yes, but now I'm not sure. I like my job (not today, but still) and I generally feel more important and self confident because I'm a broker, but is my heart in it? Right now I can't tell. I feel as though I failed and that I'm just coasting about at the firm I'm with. At least I though I'd found what I intended to be my career, something I could excel at and pour myself into.

Interlude of say 30 minutes here.

I'm listening to Moby & Mystikal, and having a lively discussion with Dave B about exceeding realistic human expectations. Whatever I do, it seems, I want to be the best at it. Is that realistic, or overcompensation? I've had this nervous ticking in my brain (figuratively-- I ain't loony yet)that keeps insistently pointing out that I have produced no real legacy yet. No writings, no fortune, no music (not that I play any damn instrument). Nada.

At what time did most people realize they couldn't do everything? I need to hit that age soon.

Comments

[fargonrob.livejournal.com]

We realize we can't be the best when we get hit over the head really hard amd finally you get it. Failure usually helps. Realizing that it doesn't fucking matter what or how someone else does, but how YOU do that matters. When you say "what the fuck do I care what they care" and do what you need and want.

I know I had to get a degree I will never use and have a lifes dream get crushed to realize it.

Other folks get married and have kids, well that's not entirely an option for me I think. The kids being the important part, because you realize that the trick is the trying, not the doing. Watch a really little kid walk and fall on his ass, then cry and get back up and take a few steps and laugh really loud.

He's not trying to walk the best, just his best. When he does he's happy, he got what he needed.

Somewhere we learn that we can make more of it than that kid and raise our hopes beyond the Us and that may be that we are jelous and want more (Averice). When you realize that just doing what you want lets you win...then you can enjoy what ever you have and realize that the enjoyment is what life is all about.

-Oh and I like the pic..I was in Chicago for Great Big Sea back in March, were you at side tracks?

[traderbear.livejournal.com]

Very woofy picture of you by the way :)