There will, of course, be hell to pay.
May. 21st, 2002 10:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vianegativaThis morning, in a moment of pure ambition, I promised myself I'd post something substantial in LJ as a part of my "action plan" list. I've accomplished all of it but the laundry, which Mike & Johnny 2 are off doing now, as John & I have to be up early. John is busying himself downstairs staining trim for my house, and here I sit. Pardon the stream-of-consciousness, but I'm going to disgorge some random notions so I can ponder the later. Just a few random neural firings....
Saving my ass has become a cottage industry. As I post, two men I love are busting their asses to improve my life. It's not that I don't work, or contribute, its just that as people do for me, I feel helplessand a bit... lazy.
Buffy was interesting tonight, but damnation, the ending failed to satisfy. How many season finales end in people getting everything they want? Where the hell is the dynamism in that?
I don't really have any female friends, and only a handful of straight ones. This has preoccupied my thoughts over the past few days. Am I insulating myself so I only need to relate to Bears? How sad if I have... I'm afraid I'm carefully building a flawed, stereotypical life person by person. Control is my dogma, I'm afraid.
I was asked to do a bearporn shoot over Bear Pride. Initially I said I'd be honored just to be chosen, but I'm having the nagging feeling I want to do it. Complicating matters, if my employers ever found out I did porn, I'd be axed faster than lumber in Olympia, WA. Who will ever know you ask? Trust me, my luck will have me blackmailed by every queen I piss off if I do it.
Speaking of Bear Pride... bad choices anyone? I will be going, and I've been asked to go to the Wet 'N' Wild party, which I attended last year. Last year, my watchwords were abandon and infamy, and I made a LOT of scary choices between the sheets. I've been "scared straight" for some time, and I'm loathe to put myself in situations where I can medicate any bad feelings with animal lust. Honestly, I'm still scared, and the only thing that keeps me on the straight & narrow (lol, as opposed to Gay & Wide Receiving) is my fear I may accidentally hurt my loved ones...
I have to stay focused on the future, and avoid romancing self-destruction for a few thrills.
Hmn. Johnny has been here a lot, and earlier today I was feeling a bit threatened. Shades of relations past are looming, even though I know Johnny's intentions are pure. He's close to John, and that occasionally sets me reeling. I've freaked about this before, but it's lodged itself in my brain the past two days... I think I should just relax.
Met a fellow lj'er on line this morning. He was all sarcasm & nice ass in his posts and has turned out to be rather interesting. Hope I didn't give him the idea I was blowing him off when I had to leave...
...I have SO many e-mails to catch up on and BurbBears is slipping. I need to draft some friends to help there, and sit my ass down and attempt to be witty with my friends.
Friends like T, who told me he stopped reading my journal cause it freaked me out for a sec. Isn't it funny when the people you WANT to get to know your inner self just WON'T because you got taken aback.... ABOUT SOMEONE SEEING A PUBLICLY POSTED JOURNAL?
God, I need to get a game going. I'm getting creative blue balls, and I need to release on my gaming buds. Ugh. Bad mixed metaphor.
Lastly, I feel as though work will discover I'm a pretender to the throne shortly. They seem so pleased, and have heard "so many good things". I keep expecting them to see through my charade soon. :-)
Well, brevity is the soul of wit, so my rambling makes me Carrot Top. I need sleep, and some sweet seratonin release.
Wow. I never knew I could be this tired.
Saving my ass has become a cottage industry. As I post, two men I love are busting their asses to improve my life. It's not that I don't work, or contribute, its just that as people do for me, I feel helplessand a bit... lazy.
Buffy was interesting tonight, but damnation, the ending failed to satisfy. How many season finales end in people getting everything they want? Where the hell is the dynamism in that?
I don't really have any female friends, and only a handful of straight ones. This has preoccupied my thoughts over the past few days. Am I insulating myself so I only need to relate to Bears? How sad if I have... I'm afraid I'm carefully building a flawed, stereotypical life person by person. Control is my dogma, I'm afraid.
I was asked to do a bearporn shoot over Bear Pride. Initially I said I'd be honored just to be chosen, but I'm having the nagging feeling I want to do it. Complicating matters, if my employers ever found out I did porn, I'd be axed faster than lumber in Olympia, WA. Who will ever know you ask? Trust me, my luck will have me blackmailed by every queen I piss off if I do it.
Speaking of Bear Pride... bad choices anyone? I will be going, and I've been asked to go to the Wet 'N' Wild party, which I attended last year. Last year, my watchwords were abandon and infamy, and I made a LOT of scary choices between the sheets. I've been "scared straight" for some time, and I'm loathe to put myself in situations where I can medicate any bad feelings with animal lust. Honestly, I'm still scared, and the only thing that keeps me on the straight & narrow (lol, as opposed to Gay & Wide Receiving) is my fear I may accidentally hurt my loved ones...
I have to stay focused on the future, and avoid romancing self-destruction for a few thrills.
Hmn. Johnny has been here a lot, and earlier today I was feeling a bit threatened. Shades of relations past are looming, even though I know Johnny's intentions are pure. He's close to John, and that occasionally sets me reeling. I've freaked about this before, but it's lodged itself in my brain the past two days... I think I should just relax.
Met a fellow lj'er on line this morning. He was all sarcasm & nice ass in his posts and has turned out to be rather interesting. Hope I didn't give him the idea I was blowing him off when I had to leave...
...I have SO many e-mails to catch up on and BurbBears is slipping. I need to draft some friends to help there, and sit my ass down and attempt to be witty with my friends.
Friends like T, who told me he stopped reading my journal cause it freaked me out for a sec. Isn't it funny when the people you WANT to get to know your inner self just WON'T because you got taken aback.... ABOUT SOMEONE SEEING A PUBLICLY POSTED JOURNAL?
God, I need to get a game going. I'm getting creative blue balls, and I need to release on my gaming buds. Ugh. Bad mixed metaphor.
Lastly, I feel as though work will discover I'm a pretender to the throne shortly. They seem so pleased, and have heard "so many good things". I keep expecting them to see through my charade soon. :-)
Well, brevity is the soul of wit, so my rambling makes me Carrot Top. I need sleep, and some sweet seratonin release.
Wow. I never knew I could be this tired.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
photos
Date: 2002-05-21 09:40 pm (UTC)i'm glad to wait to see the photos until you're ready and able to do 'em :)
the buffy ending
Date: 2002-05-21 10:32 pm (UTC)What's interesting here is that Spike has his soul back thus putting him back in the position that Angel was in waaay back when. It'll be interesting how it plays out.
Hey BUD
Date: 2002-05-21 10:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-21 11:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-22 02:08 am (UTC)Join a straight bowling league or a girly book club and chat some people up. You'll be glad you did--and the bear world looks more fucked up the further away you get from it.
(and if you're going to have a public journal, you may as well be as reactionary and publically unstable as you can. what do you have to lose?)
no subject
Date: 2002-05-22 08:31 am (UTC)I mean "bear world" is a nice place to get laid. But I wouldn't want to live there.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-22 03:04 pm (UTC)Fagster's Paradise
Date: 2002-05-22 04:27 pm (UTC)Allen Ginsberg would laugh. I kinda miss him.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-30 01:12 pm (UTC)As for Buffy, Willow hasn't gotten Tara, sadly :C(
I will miss Tara, she was one of the few people on the show who didn't act too selfish at all. (Unless you count her wanting Willow to quit 'abusing' magic. That's the only thing that ever dissappointed me about Season 6, Willow's "Magic" Abuse)